Crossing blurry lines

It's been an interesting few days in camp strangebird. It has comprised of all the usual highs and lows you've come to expect from me, with some added twists. I'm still in a strangely altered state, and my thoughts haven't really settled one way or the other... or again, I could just be really tired...

Thursday, was a rough day from the get go and it ended with me crying a small river of tears into my pillow at nights end.

Friday, I pushed myself into work drinks - the usual crowd, no scary extras, so that was ok. I made an appearance for the sake of it. Because, if I know anything, it's that if you keep saying no to peoples invitations, sooner rather than later, they'll stop asking. Which is why I said yes to...

Saturday night - out to a local event with work people, including the other half of (lets-face-it, not-really-)ex-work crush boy, who from this point on shall be named 'SpottyApple' (I know...). Anyway - I'm actually getting along with SpottyApple pretty well - I mean, I don't think we'll ever be exchanging best friend pendants, but it just got so hard trying to be distant, and fruitless trying to hate her. Truly I think I hate myself more than I could hate her. How can I hate her for essentially doing what I didn't have the guts to? (Just to note though, at any given point, I reserve the right to bypass that feeling and go straight to the hate again, ok?) John was there too, but in a different area, and once I spotted him, it took everything not to keep looking over - just to catch a glimpse of him. It's so wrong, it's so wrong that I can be sitting next to SpottyApple and wishing I had what's hers; wishing her out of existence and pretending that when he was looking in our direction, that he was actually looking at me? Am I her friend? Is it possible or even right to call her a friend, when behind her back I wish her away - I wish her out of the way? Will I ever get beyond this point, this point of my heart wanting what it can't have? These lines of love, hate, jealousy and friendship are so blurry and I feel like I'm teetering on a dangerous edge when I'm with her and near him.

I hate myself for all of these feelings. How can I ever be ready to let anyone or anything good in, when I can't seem to release these feelings, when I can't seem to release him? I'm so damaged.

I went out with everyone to a pub afterwards, another action out of my character. But a small part of me hoped he'd be there, and another part wished I'd find my very own Mr Wonderful in spite of John and in spite of these feelings and compulsions.

The struggle continues.

SB xx