Ignoring the signs

Yesterday at work, I vaguely accepted an invite to a group dinner for someones birthday. As quickly as I said yes, I immediately wished I hadn't. And now just as I am writing this entry, the alternate universe strangebird would be living it up in a restaurant surrounded by many friends. No, I didn't go.

I thought about it awhile. I know that social events for me are few and far between, and there is a part of me that wants to be included in the group stuff, but I had to weigh it up with everything else. The person celebrating their birthday is not that close with me, I would've been out of place amongst the people that spend their weekends together. And then the big one of course, is that ex-work crush would've most certainly been there and partnered up - and I just can't take it anymore. Armed with his usual array of weapons against my will and heart, he is also carrying a heavy case of grief with him, which you can see in his eyes - and I just can't bear to be around the pain and not be able to do anything about it.

So I made the decision not to go, and I sent a text to someone to pass on the message. Shortly after this was done, I stumbled upon a takeaway menu for the very restaurant I was supposed to be going to. A sign perhaps - the sign of a bad decision, the sign that I missed out on some nice food, a sign I can still get takeaway (!), a sign of my guilty conscience, or not a sign at all. I'm undecided. Given I've never seen this menu laying around my Dad's office before today, makes it seem all the more eerie. Whatever the case, God is going to have to make these signs a little more timely and a whole lot clearer if I've got any chance of using them to steer me.

I wonder if somewhere there is an alternate me, but instead of everything being an awful depressive mess, it is beautiful and shiny and full of friends and love... and him. It'd be nice if a part of me got what I wanted - even if it was just an imaginary part.