Generally, I am unsure. I am unsure about who I am, who others are, and what the hell my purpose in life is. Do we actually have 'a purpose'? Does God have a shit load of filing cabinets up there, containing files with each of our names, and inside detailing our reason for being? OK, the paper trail is probably taking the illusion a little too far, but I'm not sure I could live if I didn't think that deep down I had a reason for being here - no matter how small or mundane.
Tonight I fail to bring an entry that makes any real sense. I have a splitting headache and a general sleepy disposition that makes me feel like I want to curl up in bed and wake up in 12 hours time.
At present I am in a mood of hmmm... empowered indifference?? I'm sick to fuck of caring about ex-crush boy and I've had it with work dramas. My 'workplace bestie' is leaving; tomorrow is her last day of work. I'm going to miss having someone in my corner.
I've had some moments of clarity recently. I've realised that everyone has their own things going on, even though it may not seem that way. I've realised very few people actually care about your response when they ask "how are you?" and even fewer want to know. And a lesson long-time coming, is that you cannot fight the flow of things - it just gets you two things... nowhere and tired. Even though I feel like God, angels, or whoever, isn't listening to me - perhaps their absence is the answer, perhaps what they are really 'saying' when they are not saying anything at all is, this is it strangebird - deal? I pray that like a mixed up puzzle when you first begin to piece parts of it together, that someday soon, it'll all make sense and I'll be able to laugh at myself for being so inpatient, pushy and arrogant. Maybe, just maybe I don't know what's best for me, maybe I'm looking from the wrong perspective?
SB xx
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