Three days ago I felt myself crumble again. Not sure about the trigger, perhaps a culmination of all things - of feeling time press up against me, of not having an escape route. So I created my own.
Once again, side-lying - unmoving with a blank, unfocused stare. Acutely aware of the absence of visual focus, but so totally locked on the imperceptible pain and numbness that had swallowed me whole. Like pins and needles of the mind.
I was a mess of tears and words that made no sense. Stunned and mute to the thoughts and feelings I couldn't recognise. I couldn't go to work.
It's Sunday evening now; normal life looms and I feel silly with fear. I don't know how I'll feel in the morning. If those same feelings will wash over me again? I hope not. When it happened I thought I was going bat-shit crazy (again). I doubted everything. I doubted myself.
But here I sit, I have waded through. Regrouped? Delusional? Who's to know? Time will tell I guess.
If we all have the tools to be our own solution, then maybe I just need to remember where I set mine down. I know I had an almost full kit once - granted, some items were borrowed, or fashioned from the things of others, but they worked well enough.
I found I had spent so much time distracting myself; neglecting myself; I hadn't given my bundle any option but for the ass to fall out of it. It's a lame and weary saying, but we do have to be our own best friends - no, actually scratch that, we have to be like a sister to ourselves - friends you choose, family you are stuck with. In a completely non-weird way, how can I possibly stand a chance if the only person consistently stuck by my side, from birth to death, is the first one to sabotage me?
So tonight I sit in a place of just being. Of accepting that life is balls sometimes, and that I should probably look after numero uno. Remembering that things rarely make sense, hurt when you don't expect them to and that the world feels small when you spend too much time looking outside. It's big and it's bad, and also fucking ridiculous, so one must remember to laugh.