I've been absent for a while, but I have been thinking of this place. In the past it has been my refuge - my place to say whatever I feel. But lately, what I feel has been a messy palette of colours that have been allowed to sit together for too long - they have bled into each other and turned an ugly, muted shade. Truth be known, most of my days lately have been just run-of-the-mill-ok. There have been a few dips, with another low late last evening and this continues to wash over me today.
It's hard to come here, to say that I'm sad - that I just feel sad, and not be able to explain it. For the record, I'm sad, I'm sad for many reasons that roll around my head, but I'm just sad, sad, sad. There's no real rational reason for it.
Although today, the sorrow seems to deepen - and if I didn't know better - if I believed that bastard voice in my head, I might buy into the idea that this week the universe just positively hates my guts. But really, it's just the roll of the dice. Isn't it? I feel like I've let people down today - and some I think I have. And now, I just feel a bit shit.
I was in a doctors surgery waiting room a few hours ago. While waiting patiently for my name to be called I was looking out the window, watching a single dead leaf roll on the concrete, blown by the wind. And I thought to myself then, that maybe it would be nice to fall to the ground, simply crumble into a heap on the floor, just to watch and see what the world does. I imagined in my minds eye that there might be a fuss, that the admin lady would probably shriek, the African doctor with the bright, warm smile and pointy shoes might run out of his room to attend to me - that there would be a rush, a swell of panic for a moment, until everyone realised I was ok. Until they saw that I chose to fall; that I chose to dive to the ground to take cover, and to stay fallen. And then they would leave me.
At that moment, I wished I was the dead leaf. I wished that when I stood, my legs might crumble beneath me and I would hit the ground, close my eyes and just forget for a moment that I am me. But I didn't. Despite how crap it feels to be me today, I remembered that each of those people sitting in the wait room have their own set of problems and pain - real or imagined. And that it would be selfish of me to take a fall and bail out, just because I feel my problems are too overwhelming.
Even though today I feel like I'm a terrible friend, I know that I'm probably not; even though I feel like a fat, unlovable woman, I know there are things I can change; and even though these feelings and thoughts feel like they'll be here forever, I know that they probably won't. So, I travel the fall in the hope that tomorrow I might bounce.