Wednesday, August 8, 2012

save me?

I unwrap a Roses chocolate, releasing the bright metallic crinkle of its wrapper. I've just had dinner, but I don't care. I'm trying to control something - even if it's just the urge to have a chocolate, because I can. I'm trying hard to keep things together - to keep the pot from boiling over.  I am on violent simmer all of the time now - especially at work and I don't know how to stop. The chocolate sticks unpleasantly in my mouth; I didn't really want it.

It's been a long time since I had to think about my stress.  I don't know whether the 75mg cut I've taken in my meds was overriding the 'care-factor' but I just can't seem to get a handle on things. It's like it hurts to live - I've awoken from a 5 year dream and remembered everything is just so fucking hard.

How do 'normal' people do this? Every day?

You can't want without caring, you can't care without worrying - my scale is so tipped, I cannot begin to imagine how to offload it.

Writers' Group assignments are challenging, they make me want to give in.  When trying to write a 'creative' piece where ideas come out of thin air, it's as if I'm trying - tip-toed - to peek over a fence that is being bricked in before my eyes. And music class is getting harder and harder - each week the stone returns to its place in the pit of my stomach - I think I catch up, but then someone turns up the speed again.

I don't know if I can withstand this.

This is one of my favourite Gotye tracks.  I remember in concert, he had half of the massive crowd singing "ayee yeaah" and the other half singing "ayee ohhh" - it was magical. If only the music were enough to save me.

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