It's an odd feeling that washes over you, when you realise things aren't always going to be this way. When you recall that the clock continues to tick, the world keeps turning and God is marking off the calender days with his thick red marker. No rest for the wicked? No rest for anyone, not really.
Are we all just biding our time, trying to live out our borrowed moments while cowering beneath man-made shelters, hiding in the shade - all to obscure us from the overseer's sight?
I am startled from my stupor when I recognise a name inked within the borders of the newspaper death notices. It happens a lot these days. And the people, they don't seem so old anymore. When someone my age loses a parent, it delivers a sharp blow that we are all getting older - their parents.. my parents.. me.
Within your own mind, you might suppose that you, your family will remain untouched. That God will reward you for being who you are - for being wise to the game. Although I would like to rest my head on that sure, sound pillow tonight - it's not altogether true.
Nothing remedy's time.
I am frightened now, because I realise, I really understand that my Mum, my Dad - they won't be around forever. For so long, our lives become about that sunny, bright picture we can see faraway in the distance - everyone is grown, grey-haired and happy; the picture is blurry, there is no time stamp on the image, no points of reference - but you get there, right? Right?
So much of my world is fear. I worry for the children in my life - how will they know to be strong? Will their bodies let them grow well and happy? Where will they find the tools, the knowledge to understand the dangers and pitfalls of their world, but to move on ahead, regardless? And the older ones, when their bodies betray them; cells degrade, lives recede - with their adult fury, worry and automobiles - so may things moving way too fast.
In my room, a white wooden "relax" sits atop my shelf. I hate that fucking thing - I don't know what possessed my sister to buy it for me, but it mocks me now. How can I possibly relax when so much can go wrong?
I feel like if my life ended tomorrow, I could be ok with that. But to imagine myself having to go on without one of 'my people' - well, the thoughts hurts too much to bear.
I think I understand now, why it is that people drink.