Late Sunday night, while everyone else was sleeping, I decided it might be time to break the silence between me and 'the big guy'. I had a chat with God, about nothing really, about my preoccupied mind and some of the things that float in the space between logical thoughts. Who else are you going to talk to at 11pm at night? Who else is going to be there to listen?
I don't know how I feel anymore, about God and his posse of Angels or spirits, or whatever. In the past, if I needed something desperately, if I was worried or scared, I would beg, pray and cry - often simultaneously; I suppose it was a comforting thought to say it out loud, and hope it would be heard. But then, I felt like a bad person - the dodgy character who only ever comes to you when you need something. And then I also wondered about the point of it all? And then I guess I figured if there is anyone 'out there', then they had plenty more important work to carry out. So, I stopped.
These days I try to find comfort in the words of wise and/or crazy and interesting souls. In clever moments, I try to roll out my bad thoughts like dough - break them down and mould them into shapes that don't scare me. Sometimes I try to journal it out, of sorts - but it always tends to turn into a 'wahhh - session' without any answers. Just me, reading over the entry thinking "yep, that's some fucked up shit right there.... aaaaannnd still feeling the pain" . And then, for the longest time, this blog replaced the journal - I could say the things I couldn't say to my family, or friends - I could be outrageously silly or selfish or ridiculous, and people might hear it - but they wouldn't have to listen, and they would never have to know it was me, so I could never be judged. The blog space has opened me up, but I think maybe I've been getting lazy too. I hope I haven't been putting genuine shit out into the world, but then, this doubting voice in my head tells me maybe I am.
So when I spoke with God that night, I apologised for the lack of conversation. I thanked him for the sound of the rain as it fell upon the roof above my head; and I thanked him too, for the small blessings I had overlooked while other things were happening. This blog is a blessing, and if I treat it right, it will continue to help me sort the things within my head. I think the confusion comes when I try to entertain. I'm not an entertainer - for all the non exciting, non glamorous things that happen (or rather, don't) in my life, I think of myself as more of a deep space reporter - this is the shit I'm seein' and this is what it looks like to me. Sometimes it comes in the form of a cute celebrity, a lovely song, a quote or picture. This has to be ok, because this blog is an extension - no - bullshit - it's not actually, it is the real me.
No good ever comes from this bird over-thinking anything, so I'm going to try and go with the breeze, where ever it may push me. It's all about the journey, right?