I arrived home from a coffee date with C - we finally made small plans that worked out. We had talked about work, history and families, and a shared complex that life is running away and leaving us behind. It was pleasant, but it did not feel altogether true - she was wearing armour under her military style jacket. I don't know any other ways to break down her walls, and truth be known, I don't know that I want to anymore. I don't know I can trust her and I think that showed in the awkward silences.
Dad fumbles around like an old man twice his age - he isn't well, and I should have more compassion. I do help him load a DVD into the player... it's "Seven Wonders of the Industrial World" - fuck my life. See, before 'FML' was being dropped by every tween, teen and young adult with a Facebook account to express fleeting abhorrence, it was being used appropriately for moments like these. And I'd just been telling C how I'd like to have my own space. In this moment, I decide two things:
1) that I will go to the gym today, after all and
2) that I really must buy more lotto tickets, to increase my chances of getting out
I cannot be home right now.
I'm at the gym now - apparently I missed the 'hot' crowd, because the room is mostly full of overweight, unattractive 30 and 40-somethings, and 'gym couples' - spew. For an overweight, unattractive 20-something I can be quite judgemental. My shallowness shocks me.
I must have music. I am one of those people who likes to put on her ipod immediately upon entering the gym area - walking amongst people and machinery, pretending like I'm the only one that exists in the room. I like it that way. Plus, the music helps me keep moving - today it seems as if it's telling a story.
sleep is not my friend...
I didn't sleep well last night. I have a weight, pressing on my neck and shoulders that no longer settles when I lay down to rest - I'm in pain.
The treadmill can be difficult, I flit between boredom and fear of falling. Sometimes I sing in my head and my mouth moves. I tried to remember the chorus, I can't remember the verse...I can't swim anymore.
It helps me think, even with the noise and the movement somehow my mind becomes focused. I remember some of my conversation with C - I remember that I don't know what I want to do, that I don't have a focus for my future. ..just keep following the heartlines on your hand.. I don't know where my heartlines point to and it frustrates me. What do I want?
I remember, I remember when I lost my mind...even your emotions have an echo... I certainly remember. I eluded to it with C this morning. I think when it happens, even if you get your mind back, it's never quite the same - it's scarred.
...all the while I was dreamin' of revelry...wanna run, baby run, like a stream down a mountain-side... I wish I understood what kind of revelry a rock-band could possibly yearn for. I just want a friend to call my own and have someone to take me dancing, if the mood so struck me.
Hey! She's freaky and she know it... I nod in agreement.
..we're all in the same boat, staying afloat for the moment.. Are we really? Is everyone so fucking confused? Maybe they are, but they just don't know it.
...hey I heard you were a wild one, oooh... Oooh Sia, you make me want to squeal in excitement when you do that. Almost time to go home.
...don't believe in anything that you can't break... I think this is true - but I'm also not sure that what is broken can be fixed. I really think I might be broken. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what would happen, if I someday just ceased to be. Would everything just carry on? I'm trying to commit to forward motion, I don't want to feel like this forever.