Friday, April 20, 2012

the state of the hermitage

I haven't been writing a lot lately, sometimes because I've been exhausted, a little because I haven't had much to say, and sometimes because I don't know how to say what it is that I'm feeling.

In the past, I have shocked some people with the insight into my thoughts - perhaps for a few reasons.  Maybe they didn't expect it; they didn't understand; or because they thought that my thoughts were rubbish.  The last statement I agree with, because yes, sometimes my thoughts can be utter waste.  But, I think when I try to censor my outpourings, I run into problems - because when I'm not truthful, it means I'm obscuring things - and this gives the hidden parts a chance to chatter in dark corners. They have been chattering, and I have been listening in, and it has been ugly.

I have been told, by what I would call a reliable source (a Psychologist) that we all have an internal monologue - that is, without sounding 'crazy' - a voice, in your head, kind of commentating or observing.  I think some of us are more in-tune to it than others; I hear mine a lot and it is not a particularly nice monologue, because mine is paranoid, frustrated and mean. Perhaps my sensitivity is a consequence of spending too much time on my own - there hasn't been anything to drown out my doom radio.

Today was quite a rough day.  There weren't the usual amount of distractions available - some members were missing from the workplace, and there was ample quiet time.  My work struggles, and people struggles are well documented here; I always feel that I am ill-fitting; I don't belong; I'm not wanted.

Despite whether these thoughts or 'observations' are real or truthful is beside the point - because I hear them so often that I believe them. My doom radio is like an investigator, or a bad P.I. at the very least - because any behaviour, or occurrence that might support these notions, just becomes further "proof" that I am lonely, that I am not wanted - that I am all the things it tells me I am.

People that know what I speak of will nod their heads in agreement, others that haven't experienced such things - I suspect I lost somewhere around the "we all have an internal monologue". But it is all very hard to explain, because it is not in the real - rather, it is the imagined space that sits atop our shoulders - dense and isolating.

I am Brad Pitt and Edward Norton, "Fight Club" style - it is 'feeling' me and 'doom radio' me, punching it out.  It's all harmless play fighting... until it's not. Until the bruises hurt, and the bones break.  I feel like I'm breaking today.

Today I am alone, I am not good enough, I am easy to forget, I am a thorn, a raincloud, a fifth wheel, I am invisible and an eye-sore, all at once.  In my head, all of this is plausible - because the lunch room goes quiet when I'm there; because I'm told about after work drinks after everyone else is invited; because everyone has tickets to an Anzac day event that I didn't know about; because there is cosy laughter in the room until I enter; because it's all take, take, take and hardly ever any give. Nothing feels genuine and everything feels wrong. Round pegs. Square hole.

I think about wanting to come off the depression/anxiety medication - because I think I'd rather go it alone.  But if I feel this now, on the meds - what will it be like amplified - without armour?

I cry, because I want the hurt to stop; because I'm not ok inside, and I'm tired of smiling on the outside. I think it's unfair that I have to live, feeling the way I do, while everyone else gets to switch off their voices.

There is my doom radio voice, and then there is me - and we inhabit the same body, and sometimes I don't know that I can win.



Rianna said...

Oi!! Turn that doom radio off. Just throw that away in the sea because you are listening to it way too much. Not true and those things are rubbish and unfounded. Seriously. xx

Raven/Missy said...

Turning off that internal monologue can be so very very hard to do. Mine was created through all the negative things I heard about myself as a child growing up from family members, other kids at school and more. That internal monologue hated me as much as I hated it. But then I realized, it hated me because I hated me. I believed every nasty self-defeating thing it said, because they were all I heard. I've never learned to shut it off, and I'm glad because I've learned a lot from it. But before I could learn from it, I had to teach it to change it's tune. It wasn't easy, but it can be done.

Your words of confusion, fear, self-loathing, wanting to hide etc. all ring true for me because I was in the same mental and emotional place that you so elegantly and accurately describe. No you are not the only person who feels and thinks this way, there are many people in the world who do the same.

You are not alone, though your voice will convince you that you are because as soon as you believe you aren't, it loses some of its power.

I do hope that you can find your way out because you have such a great way with words and your insightfulness can be used in such a way that you will surpass your own expectations of self. If you'd like, I will gladly tell you what and how I managed to change my inner monologue from my enemy, to my friend and source of courage.

Don't stop thinking, it is a good thing to do. But you need to know that you can change some of that monologue as we do have control over our thoughts as well as our reactions not just to the world and others, but to our own thoughts and emotions.