Sunday, February 5, 2012

Fool me twice...

You used to be the one on my secret pedestal, sitting casually, swinging your legs to the beat of your own drum. I thought you were going to be the one to change my life, make it right somehow. I used to think that I would do anything to climb up that pedestal, to earn my right to sit alongside you. Now I have pushed you off, or maybe you jumped off? It doesn't matter, because at least you are gone. And that wobbly pedestal, with its splinters and awkward size - now I like to watch it burn, because I realise a house is no place for a single towering pedestal, and neither is the mind.

To me you were once a man-shaped heart; a world of possibility - with eyes of the ocean and your body, a place to make a home. Now, I see those eyes, still beautiful - but empty and cold, like a well, hidden in the shade. You are blood and bone - just a man - filled with fear, guilt and maybe pain - you are so full, but so empty.

I have been foolish - to hurt my heart, to offer it as sacrifice to someone who never asked for it, who never cared to know it was there. Someone wiser than me, tells me this is an human experience, that I shouldn't be ashamed - part of me is though, for being so silly for so long. Shame on you for tricking people with your charm, but shame on me for taking the bait - again, and again.

Like the lyric says "if failure don't hurt, then failure don't work".  Oh, it worked, and it hurt - so I guess it was a successful failure. I won't lose the lessons though. I dare say you haven't even begun to scratch the surface of these cold truths yet. Pity you.

That wise person also tells me that I wasn't wrong in the choosing, but perhaps just wrong in the choice. Next time I choose, I'll make sure he is willing... and worthy. Because I say now, without a shred of doubt, that you, are not worthy.

SB xx

1 comment:

Rianna said...

Not wiser than you sweetheart...just someone who has been fooled numerous times before. Lessons learned the hard way ;)
Love to you!