Saturday, December 17, 2011

scream queen

I just want to scream, have somebody hear me and tell me that they understand. And I want that somebody to be you.

I checked facebook, I knew it was a bad idea the moment I started typing your name, but I did it anyway. Stupid, stupid idiot.

There she was again, a post from three hours ago - she included you in her evasive status update. Obviously she's one of those people who likes to lodge every bowel movement on facebook. He sees her every time he goes back 'home'; it has to mean something.

I want to squeeze tears from my eyes because I think, maybe it'll make me feel better - but I can't bring myself to do it. Because there's nothing left to cry? Because there was nothing tangible lost - just time and my heart...and maybe my mind.

I don't know this girl, but I know I already hate her. From her fake 'I'm a down to earth chick, really' information crap, to her pouty and suggestive profile pictures. I hate her name - spelt with two 'r's when one would suffice, but more than that, I hate myself - I hate myself for not being the one he wants - because obviously I need to be all of these things, and I can't be, because I am me. Just lonely, awkward, repulsive me.

Clearly, cocktail's do wonders for my mood.

SB xx

1 comment:

Rianna said...

Wowsers lovely.
I used to do that. Always a bad move. I used to obliterate myself going through friends and old wall posts, wanting to throw bombs at any woman on there; hating the whole lot because maybe they'd been something to him. Maybe they still were.
I had to stop. Curiosity killed my cat, and I just had to stop.
Did you heart start pounding as you typed his name; wondering what was going to stare back at you on the page and smash your heart open? Mine used to do that.
It would still if I didn't refrain from doing it. I know my tendency to be easily hurt, and I have to remove the chance that that will happen needlessly.