Thursday, October 27, 2011

the way it is

I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it's true I'm here, and I'm just as strange as you.
- Frida Kahlo

This quote breaks my heart - because it reminds me that I am calling out to someone who probably isn't there. I suppose this blog is my way of echoing Frida's words. Strangely, I know little about this woman - yet we are akin.  I too feel strange and flawed - an error yet to be discovered. These posts are my ink in the tattoo of time - except sometimes I wonder, if I'm not brave enough to own up to these feelings, beyond the keyboard, beyond the screen - what will become of me?

I am so, so lonely tonight.  There is no tune in my vast collection to set this feeling to. I search - Feist, Megan Washington, Laura Marling, Alanis Morissette - Christ no, Fleetwood, Gotye, Beyonce.  No, no, no, no.

I wanted to test myself tonight, thought I could handle a dose of reality - some distant facebook research.  Turns out, not so harmless. Turns out, I'm not so ready. Fucking facebook.

Best be off to read some self-help book; or rather somebody-else-help-me-because-I-can't-help-myself, book.

SB xx


Rianna said...

I'm here.
Email me on facey :)
We can be heartbroken and weird together because, guess what? It beats the hell out of doing it alone.
And I'm lonely a lot. Like, a lot. So lets be lonely together.

Rianna said... me on hotmail and tell me about it on facey, and then I'll go check it and respond.
Because I self-harm on facebook too. And it's not cool, and I'm limiting my exposure as much as possible. Because facebook can be SO damaging.