Today I did some unexpected things.
I went to a local music store, and I brought a bunch of old albums - on a whim. Because I said yes to new music.
Then I took myself to the local art store, and enrolled myself in a drawing night class. Buggered if I know how to sketch with graphite pencils and charcoal, but I'm sure going to give it a try. I have procrastinated on doing something like this for the longest time, and even though it's not painting, like I had hoped to do - it was time to make things happen for myself. So I said yes to the possibilities of art.
Then, after my friend confirmed she wanted to come along, I went on my computer and booked us tickets to see a December performance of Gotye! So, that was a big fat yes to doing what I want, just because I can.
I realise I was wrong when I said travelling hadn't imprinted anything on me. I can see now, that I am less afraid of trying things, less intimidated to pack a suitcase and less frightened of public toilets - because I have seen the very worst of all of the above. I think I just want my life to keep moving. Keep momentum.
It is now around six weeks since I heard anything from John. I have not weakened, and I will not write first. I will not be the one to break this silence. Because as much as it saddens me that we can't share witty emails, or talk about work, or share photographs - I know that if I turn back to that pathetic girl, I will not recover. I've had my fair share of putting my arse on the line, so if he should want to talk to me, he's going to have to make the first move. Maybe he doesn't want to deal with me anymore, and I guess that's ok too. He's uncomfortable, I'm uncomfortable - maybe it's better this way. At some point, hell, maybe it's happened already, he will forget about me...and maybe some time ahead of me, he will be a passing memory that flashes through my conscious mind like a bird on the breeze.
Today, I was a yes girl. Tomorrow a maybe baby...maybe? Forever a what-if-er.