a chill in my messy heart

I am trying so hard, to keep myself composed.  I am managing work - I'm settling back into routine, I'm remembering the parts that I like, patients say hello to me like they missed me - it's nice.  It's the quiet moments, or times when something silly happens - that I want to forget the promise I made to myself.

I want to contact John so badly.  I want to tell him about my days, I want to write about the amusing things that happen in my day and imagine that on the other side of the state, where he sits in front of his computer, that he is laughing. I want to speak with him so much; there's an ache in my chest, I think where my heart resides. It feels like a stone.

I did stay strong today.  I thought it might be a sobering act to re-read his response to the letter, the one where he lets me down. I'm not so sure that was a good idea.  It brought everything that I had been running from, right back to me - I was reminded of the upset, but it didn't make me want to talk to him any less.

I feel like screaming in my head - "EMAIL ME, CONTACT ME, DO SOMETHING" and that maybe if I did that, he might hear it within his own mind.  I wonder about a lot of things, but I wonder about this a lot.




SB xx