Tuesday, August 9, 2011

This is how the light gets in

I had a family dinner tonight, an early 'bon voyage' for me. It was lovely, to be around people that wish me well, that want the best for me, who want me to be happy. How can I not be, with such lovely intentions and thoughts in their minds? I was reminded of some of the things that I will miss; and I know for certain it will be hardest leaving my little nephew. He is such an amazing, tender little man, getting smarter and more profound every time I see him. I fear missing out on something; I fear being forgotten. But, as my wise friend M told me - this break, the adventure in lands faraway will give me new perspective, will bring me to my best; create a better version of me. And after all, wouldn't my family want me to be at my best? The answer is yes, they would, and they do. Four weeks absence from familiarity, distraction, fear and stress is a pretty good trade off for all of that possibility.

When I was looking down the barrel of another work week last week, I wondered how I was going to get through it, but I am happy to say that this week has been ok. Much to my surprise, I have felt clear headed and productive. So far, the few days this week have been less about wishing someone would notice my hard work, and more about knowing in myself that I have been effective, that I have made a difference and it has been enough. Maybe it's knowing I am going away, or my own strict sense of wanting to leave my place in an ordered state - but I have felt good at the end of each day. Purposeful.

My excitement for my trip grows day by day. Even though there are some cracks within me, things unfinished, things that hurt - it is the cracks that make me human, that show the light through - the darkness makes the light all the more glorious when it comes. As has been said before, there can be no light without dark.

SB xx

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