Thursday, August 4, 2011

blossom every broken part

I'm at tethers end - ready for the world to stop spinning, or at least for me to sub-out for a while; sit on the bench and watch the rest of the team play.  I have so much going on in my head - it's a minefield.

Work is really nightmarish right now.  I've been waiting months to hear about a position I applied for, in the place I already work.  I think they drag it out, because they can - because they don't actually care.  It's an environment at the moment, where everyone is just at cracking point - how long can people expect to sustain that?  You can't rely on 'fight' forever - at some point, you have to take the 'flight' option - right? We aren't designed to fight continually.

I've been sticking it out for the longest time.  Hoping things would get better.  Staying in part, because of laziness - because I didn't want to have to meet new people; because I am comfortable where I am.  I also stay because I like my unique job and I won't find another like it. I don't know what I am going to do, but I don't know if I can put up with much more.

I have one week of work left, before I set off overseas.  Most recently, I had been consumed with nervousness about travelling and packing, and all the other stuff that comes with facing new experiences. But now, I wonder how I'll manage the next week of work.  The distance between here and there seems so vast.  I just want to be gone.

I hope that exploring new places and cultures will help me to figure out what I want - from life; from myself.  I hope that it will lend me a drive to get more out of myself, than just to be standing at the end of each day.

I haven't heard a thing from John - which could mean nothing, or it could indicate everything. But, there is nothing I can do about it.  I express posted my heart on Monday - it may come back to me marked "return to sender"... I guess it's the chance I take.

SB xx

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