Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Chasing Rainbows

I've been in a pretty bad place the last couple of days. Sometimes things have been so dark, that I didn't know how I was to crawl out into the light again.

I saw John yesterday. Standing near him again, hearing his voice, seeing him - so happy; it made it all that much worse. He hugged me hello, and then he hugged me goodbye - he gives good hugs. Our cheeks touched during that final hug - and then, he was gone. And he'll probably be gone forever now.  There is no need for him to return.

I about bawled my eyes out - and perhaps I would've, had it not been a necessity for me to stay 'together' - given that I was at work.

I'm rethinking writing the Dear John letter - the letter that tells him how I feel - well, a condensed version.  I know that if I do it - it's at great risk - to my pride, my self esteem, to our friendship the way it stands now.  I know it'll probably break it... and I guess when someone tells you they have feelings for you - it changes how you interact with them - it's only natural. And, if it all goes down the way I figure, he's not going to want a bar of me.  No emails, no messages, no facebook, nothing. This would all probably be helpful to me, but it's not something I'm strong enough to enforce myself - if he did it - it would be game over.  Maybe it's what I need.  Maybe this overwhelming sense that I have to spill what fills the awkward silence with us, will give me the release I need.  I know I carry it with me all the time - it's not healthy.  How can I ever consider finding that real someone, when I have these strong feelings hidden away.  They eat at me - I'm quietly breaking.

So, there have been many tears. I'm still not sure about the letter. I want to seek some advice from others. Is writing a letter silly? Will he be horrible and laugh at me? Will he tell my workmates and make a fool of me? Will it be the end? Will it really make me feel better? How is he going to feel - angry, embarrassed, bothered, indifferent? It's scary.

We've had unusually warm weather for this time of year - even the air has been heavy with anticipation.  It rained a little this afternoon - a beautiful sun shower.  There's nothing quite like it - the droplets on the windscreen, illuminated by the sunlight, sparkled like diamonds as they landed on the glass.  As I was driving home I noticed a rainbow, shooting from the top of a house in the distance - changing directions, another rainbow... driving still - yet another.  No real ending, no beginning.  Beauty in it's purest form.  It was a reminder to me, perhaps a sign from above - after rain, comes rainbows - after tears, comes joy.  Maybe I will find the light again, sooner than I think.  Wouldn't it be lovely?  I felt strangely peaceful - driving beneath the pastel curves.  I will get through this.

It's easy to get caught up in everything that's going on; easy to think we have it so hard.  But, it's moments like this afternoon - unplanned, completely natural, that serve to remind, that life is glorious; beauty unexpected - it is truth; immersion in the moments is what really matters. Tears, laughter, pain - all have roles to play.  Maybe we have to play them fully to move through them?

SB xx

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