Friday, May 13, 2011

It's not supposed to be this way

This is not the picture I had for myself. Sick, sitting in my pajamas at midday, encased in a warm blanket; 28, lonely and sad. Today marks the start of my holidays - except I'm on a sick day.

I've run myself into the ground for a silly, unimportant job. Still, I remind myself I will have to go into work over the weekend, to tie up some loose ends. I seem incapable of leaving it behind. I figure this is probably less about me being a dedicated employee, and more about me trying to hold onto the one distraction in my life. It's a mess. I don't know how much longer I can stand working with someone who I have no respect for, and who doesn't appear to have any respect for me. I guess that makes us even - it shouldn't bother me so much, but it does, because that woman has the power to tell me what to do, and what not to do...

Way back when I thought growing up just meant getting older, I imagined myself very differently. I would be a part-time domestic goddess, with a brilliant career doing something I was really good at, something important. I would've had a bunch of close girlfriends who I would drink cocktails with in fancy clubs at night, and talk about our love lives, jobs and hair removal - because that's what normal girlfriends talk about, right? I would've found a nice boy, a smart man with gentle eyes and a kind smile who looked after me - who I would drive crazy with my 'ways', but that's what he would love most about me.

I don't really make plans anymore - I don't like to think about the future too much, because it rarely works out the way I think. "Be careful what you wish for" is what they say - what if you don't wish for anything?

That's not true, I do have wishes. Ones that I whisper in the night and keep tucked away. Dreams about alternate choices; about being that strong, amazing, unshakable woman; about finding that man with the gentle eyes - I speak of fears that I may have already met him and let him leave, unnoticed.

I just don't know exactly where it all went so wrong.

SB xx

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