Mind your smalls

It's been a few days. I'm a little bit all over the place - but seemingly this is nothing new for me!

My overseas travel plans are becoming more concrete. I've had to sign some paperwork and put down a rather substantial deposit recently. It's getting really real - and I'm getting really quite nervous. But I know that I need to push through it. In essence, there is no good reason why I shouldn't go and many reasons why I should. Be strong StrangeBird!

The last few days I've been feeling very unattractive and uncomfortable in myself. I hate feeling this way. The doubting spreads like a bad weed and spoils every portion of my being. It's inescapable - like Indiana Jones running through the tunnel with that giant boulder chasing behind, my insecurities nip at my heels - always there, making the current situation dire. Today's 'incident' just kind of makes me feel even worse...

Today I was in a looking around in local shopping complex - thinking to myself that I really need to find some new underwear - because BONDS has basically fucked up the design of the undies I used to love. Anyway - of course, the underwear I want to have a look at, would be on an outer aisle - where there is a great fucking divide of open space, leading conveniently to the shop storeroom. I muster the courage, remind myself that I'm a big girl and go in for the look. Acutely aware of all the loitering staff, apparently with not much to do, I still go about my business, resolved to get a pair of the scarlet red lacy number that caught my eye. Around me, I can hear the toad-ish staff members failing to organise themselves - they are calling over someone named Trav, he's carting around a load of stock - he's just pulled up his trolley at the end of the aisle... my aisle, about 5 metres away from where I stand, knickers in hand. All the noise of the useless women trying to organise this one young man has caught my attention and I look up - just as he looks in my direction - then, a quick dodge of the eye and I see him squint his face and turn away. One of the toad-ish girls exclaims "What's wrong Trav, have you got something in your eye?" and he replies, quietly "Nah - that lady over there".... and then it dawns on me, I was the 'lady' in this equation. He feigned eye debris, in an attempt to preserve some of my... dignity?! I was caught, scarlet-red handed! I didn't know what to feel - I fled rather quickly, but I was left with the resounding feeling that he was trying to be polite - which is kind of a rare occurrence in this day and age. Now, what has this experience taught me? - not to shop for underwear in Target! Oh, the shame!

I'm feeling very stressed. Thinking about money - money for Christmas, for my holiday, for the study leave I want to take but can't afford, for all the things I want, to feed my expensive taste and hollow dreams. I'm a sad little mess tonight.

SB xx