most days

Most days pass without a blip on the screen.  Most days are an unremarkable series of wake-eat-work-sleep cycles.  But every so often something comes along to break the rhythm - just enough to let you know you're alive.  This week, my blip came to me in the form of a song.

I'm not a music snob - my taste is varied, and sometimes I might even like a song just for its beat...ooooooh.  But when a special song comes along, it's like finding something you never had and realising you've missed it all along.

There's absolutely no way anyone should live their life without having heard this song. It is beautiful. I don't mind, not even one bit, that it makes me sad.

lessons in being awesome

Tonight was my first piano lesson.  A longtime 'one day' wish of mine has always been to play the piano.  I think it has something to do with the grace, skill and complete mindful state pianists seem to be able to access.  I like to imagine myself, someday, sitting at a beautiful glossy wooden piano - hair, dress and fingers flowing like spirits.  The mental ability to keep two hands moving in completely different ways, reading two lines of music and just 'knowing' where the keys are.  It seems such a long way away.  It seems impossible.  But then, I guess at 17, the thought of easing the clutch, accelerating, changing gears, changing lanes, flickers, lights, rules and steering all seemed too much as well. However now, I could drive asleep if I had to.

Until I can discover that musical genius within (if she does in fact reside somewhere in there), and until I can play as below - I must be content with the knowledge that I have right now. One step, one note, one page at a time. 



Interestingly, while waiting in the hallway for the lesson to start, I see a weathered, unassuming flyer clinging to life on the wall.  It calls for interest in a writing group.  I took down the number, I don't know if I'll have the balls to call it.  But sometimes in this life, when we are scrambling for signs and direction, screaming "for fucks sake - will someone just tell me what to do here?!".. sometimes a sign so delicate can be found in the oddest of places. It gives me a chill to think this elaborate set of decisions and meaningless chance - could all have led to that single flyer.  It could mean nothing, or it could mean anything.

Kismet is a keen musician, it seems.

SB

all the fass

This man, Michael Fassbender is so handsome, it actually hurts (it hurts me.. I suspect it's quite advantageous for him).  Nothing like a little bit of Sunday afternoon loneliness to induce some 'real man' appreciation.

Oh my giddy gosh?! Insert swoon.

He can be the tormented Mr Rochester to my Jane Eyre any day.  I always fancied myself a period drama kinda gal too...

Now I have a legitimate excuse to source and 'endure' "X-Men First Class".

SB xx

straight to me

Lisa Mitchell did the most amazing rendition of Nick Cave's "Into my arms" and I wish I could find a clip to share it here.  It was completely beautiful.

She reminds me of the kind of delicate, graceful woman I've always outwardly wanted to be; to be seen as a fragile bird, people treat you gently.  Sadly, there is nothing about me that inspires gentle behaviour or sweet approach.  I am a little Lisa, but only on the inside.

SB xx

the man, dan

An ode to the lovely Dan Sultan.  Few things in life, are as delicious as a dark haired man with sparkling blue eyes.  And best of all - this man has the voice of a roughened angel, who has been cast down from the clouds to spend his time swigging Jack Daniels in smoky bars, cradling a guitar like it is an extension of himself.  Ooo-ahhh.

So fine.

SB xx

my someday

I've always wished to have green or blue eyes - instead of my standard old brown.  Aside from contact lenses, I suppose there's no hope...

For the longest time I have wanted a Jeep Wrangler - red, if possible.  I don't know why the fascination started.  It could have something to do with having a high school crush on an older guy who drove a jeep; possibly because of my love for the show 'Gilmore Girls' or it might just be because I figure that road tripping in a Jeep would be the ultimate freedom. I vote the last.

One day, I want to live in a converted warehouse...

buy myself a kick-ass red lipstick and have the guts to wear it...

dance to silence in the arms of a good man...

learn how to play piano...

wear a dress like Scarlett O'Hara - just once...

attend a masquerade ball...

walk in the rain, and get soaking wet...

get married, and have a big beautiful fascinator in my hair...

while wearing red-ruby shoes underneath my ice white dress..

have kids, and be the kind of mother to read to her children, all the time.

Just a start.

SB xx

Chasing Rainbows

I've been in a pretty bad place the last couple of days. Sometimes things have been so dark, that I didn't know how I was to crawl out into the light again.

I saw John yesterday. Standing near him again, hearing his voice, seeing him - so happy; it made it all that much worse. He hugged me hello, and then he hugged me goodbye - he gives good hugs. Our cheeks touched during that final hug - and then, he was gone. And he'll probably be gone forever now.  There is no need for him to return.

I about bawled my eyes out - and perhaps I would've, had it not been a necessity for me to stay 'together' - given that I was at work.

I'm rethinking writing the Dear John letter - the letter that tells him how I feel - well, a condensed version.  I know that if I do it - it's at great risk - to my pride, my self esteem, to our friendship the way it stands now.  I know it'll probably break it... and I guess when someone tells you they have feelings for you - it changes how you interact with them - it's only natural. And, if it all goes down the way I figure, he's not going to want a bar of me.  No emails, no messages, no facebook, nothing. This would all probably be helpful to me, but it's not something I'm strong enough to enforce myself - if he did it - it would be game over.  Maybe it's what I need.  Maybe this overwhelming sense that I have to spill what fills the awkward silence with us, will give me the release I need.  I know I carry it with me all the time - it's not healthy.  How can I ever consider finding that real someone, when I have these strong feelings hidden away.  They eat at me - I'm quietly breaking.

So, there have been many tears. I'm still not sure about the letter. I want to seek some advice from others. Is writing a letter silly? Will he be horrible and laugh at me? Will he tell my workmates and make a fool of me? Will it be the end? Will it really make me feel better? How is he going to feel - angry, embarrassed, bothered, indifferent? It's scary.

We've had unusually warm weather for this time of year - even the air has been heavy with anticipation.  It rained a little this afternoon - a beautiful sun shower.  There's nothing quite like it - the droplets on the windscreen, illuminated by the sunlight, sparkled like diamonds as they landed on the glass.  As I was driving home I noticed a rainbow, shooting from the top of a house in the distance - changing directions, another rainbow... driving still - yet another.  No real ending, no beginning.  Beauty in it's purest form.  It was a reminder to me, perhaps a sign from above - after rain, comes rainbows - after tears, comes joy.  Maybe I will find the light again, sooner than I think.  Wouldn't it be lovely?  I felt strangely peaceful - driving beneath the pastel curves.  I will get through this.

It's easy to get caught up in everything that's going on; easy to think we have it so hard.  But, it's moments like this afternoon - unplanned, completely natural, that serve to remind, that life is glorious; beauty unexpected - it is truth; immersion in the moments is what really matters. Tears, laughter, pain - all have roles to play.  Maybe we have to play them fully to move through them?

SB xx

don't ask

Don't ask me, what you know is true
Don't have to tell you I love your precious heart

The world got a little quieter when this man died - and what a true shame for those of us left behind. I haven't really known what words to put to the way I have been feeling today. I feel like the last couple of days I have been resolute in my goal to move forward, for things to be different... but today, I realise that I just keep fooling myself. Sometimes I think my whole existence is just an extended performance, masking another performance - sometimes there is so much bullshit and lies that I can't see the truth for wanting. When you strip back the 'shoulds' and the wishes and the distractions there doesn't seem to be much left behind.

But a silver lining to the day, the recognition of another "reason to live": the chance to hear a song like this, sung with a voice like that. Pure magic.

Enjoy,
SB xx

Making Lists

I realise, that at the moment my life is filled to the brim with negativity and a dash of self pity. I am, and have been, totally consumed with anger, resentment and general ill feelings. This isn't me. This isn't the picture I want for myself. I fear that I am doing a bad job of representing myself, and I don't want that anymore. If this is an extension of me, of all the things I am - yes, it should include the bad and the ugly, but it should not be a vehicle for me to wallow in my own pool of discontent. I will always be 'real', but I also need to be realistic about the feelings I hold onto tightly, because sometimes they are poisonous.

Work is bloody awful. I'm doing things I shouldn't be, I'm being taken for granted and putting up with a lot of shit that generally shouldn't have to enter my consciousness. So this is crappy, but I don't want it to turn me crappy. I'm going to do my very best to be my very best, not because I want to get thanked for it, but because it's a defining part of me. I'm going to smile (even if I have to paste it on) and I'm going to laugh when the opportunity arises. I know I'll probably have moments where I'll get angry, so I'll do that - but then I'll do my best to move on.

As for John. All my wailing and moping is unbecoming, and frankly I deserve more than that. I should want more for myself than that - whatever ugliness that is. So StrangeBird, the boy you want doesn't want you - 'man up' about it! Maybe, just maybe this says more about the kind of person he is, than it says about me. Maybe I'm not defective. I just need to remind myself of that; a lot. Some days that's hard... as clearly you've been witness to. I'm trying, I really am.

So, for tonight. No more wallow. Tonight, a promise, to treat myself better... and, the start of a small list of the things in life that make it worth living.

- baby giggles
- the moment when you and someone else simultaneously see something amusing, make eye contact and explode into laughter - without a word
- slipping into a warm bed on a cold night
- hearing a song that gives you goosebumps because of it's awesomeness
- being the recipient of an unexpected smile
- the smell of onion and garlic frying in oil
- the excitement at pulling off the protective thin plastic that covers a new appliance surface

Just a start. Here's to a new day, a new approach.

SB xx