conversations with god

Late Sunday night, while everyone else was sleeping, I decided it might be time to break the silence between me and 'the big guy'.  I had a chat with God, about nothing really, about my preoccupied mind and some of the things that float in the space between logical thoughts. Who else are you going to talk to at 11pm at night? Who else is going to be there to listen?

I don't know how I feel anymore, about God and his posse of Angels or spirits, or whatever.  In the past, if I needed something desperately, if I was worried or scared, I would beg, pray and cry - often simultaneously; I suppose it was a comforting thought to say it out loud, and hope it would be heard.  But then, I felt like a bad person - the dodgy character who only ever comes to you when you need something. And then I also wondered about the point of it all?  And then I guess I figured if there is anyone 'out there', then they had plenty more important work to carry out. So, I stopped.

These days I try to find comfort in the words of wise and/or crazy and interesting souls. In clever moments, I try to roll out my bad thoughts like dough - break them down and mould them into shapes that don't scare me.  Sometimes I try to journal it out, of sorts - but it always tends to turn into a 'wahhh - session' without any answers.  Just me, reading over the entry thinking "yep, that's some fucked up shit right there.... aaaaannnd still feeling the pain" .  And then, for the longest time, this blog replaced the journal - I could say the things I couldn't say to my family, or friends - I could be outrageously silly or selfish or ridiculous, and people might hear it - but they wouldn't have to listen, and they would never have to know it was me, so I could never be judged.  The blog space has opened me up, but I think maybe I've been getting lazy too. I hope I haven't been putting genuine shit out into the world, but then, this doubting voice in my head tells me maybe I am.

So when I spoke with God that night, I apologised for the lack of conversation. I thanked him for the sound of the rain as it fell upon the roof above my head; and I thanked him too, for the small blessings I had overlooked while other things were happening. This blog is a blessing, and if I treat it right, it will continue to help me sort the things within my head.  I think the confusion comes when I try to entertain.  I'm not an entertainer - for all the non exciting, non glamorous things that happen (or rather, don't) in my life, I think of myself as more of a deep space reporter - this is the shit I'm seein' and this is what it looks like to me. Sometimes it comes in the form of a cute celebrity, a lovely song, a quote or picture.  This has to be ok, because this blog is an extension - no - bullshit - it's not actually, it is the real me.

No good ever comes from this bird over-thinking anything, so I'm going to try and go with the breeze, where ever it may push me. It's all about the journey, right?

straight to me

Lisa Mitchell did the most amazing rendition of Nick Cave's "Into my arms" and I wish I could find a clip to share it here.  It was completely beautiful.

She reminds me of the kind of delicate, graceful woman I've always outwardly wanted to be; to be seen as a fragile bird, people treat you gently.  Sadly, there is nothing about me that inspires gentle behaviour or sweet approach.  I am a little Lisa, but only on the inside.

SB xx

Don't think twice, it's alright

Today I did some unexpected things.

I went to a local music store, and I brought a bunch of old albums - on a whim. Because I said yes to new music.

Then I took myself to the local art store, and enrolled myself in a drawing night class. Buggered if I know how to sketch with graphite pencils and charcoal, but I'm sure going to give it a try. I have procrastinated on doing something like this for the longest time, and even though it's not painting, like I had hoped to do - it was time to make things happen for myself. So I said yes to the possibilities of art.

Then, after my friend confirmed she wanted to come along, I went on my computer and booked us tickets to see a December performance of Gotye! So, that was a big fat yes to doing what I want, just because I can.

I realise I was wrong when I said travelling hadn't imprinted anything on me. I can see now, that I am less afraid of trying things, less intimidated to pack a suitcase and less frightened of public toilets - because I have seen the very worst of all of the above. I think I just want my life to keep moving. Keep momentum.

It is now around six weeks since I heard anything from John. I have not weakened, and I will not write first. I will not be the one to break this silence. Because as much as it saddens me that we can't share witty emails, or talk about work, or share photographs - I know that if I turn back to that pathetic girl, I will not recover. I've had my fair share of putting my arse on the line, so if he should want to talk to me, he's going to have to make the first move. Maybe he doesn't want to deal with me anymore, and I guess that's ok too. He's uncomfortable, I'm uncomfortable - maybe it's better this way. At some point, hell, maybe it's happened already, he will forget about me...and maybe some time ahead of me, he will be a passing memory that flashes through my conscious mind like a bird on the breeze.

Today, I was a yes girl. Tomorrow a maybe baby...maybe? Forever a what-if-er.

SB xx

Free Agent

I know where I get my crazy inclinations from now. My Mother. She's seriously nutty. Trying to understand that woman, and her motivations is impossible. I've decided she's either:
a) very simple, or

b) incredibly complex
Seeing her angry, anxious, frustrated, negative, mean and worried - it is absolutely no secret where I come from. Crystal. Clear.

It's been an interesting couple of days. At work, I've breached my bullshit threshold. There's no way to really explain all the forms of shit at that place and every which way direction that they flow. But trust me - it's frustrating seeing so much crap going on and not being in any kind of position to change it. I went out last night with some work people, and it was pleasant. Thankfully no appearances from SpottyApple or John. By nights end, my mouth was sore from smiling and laughing, so that's a pretty good indication it was a fun time. Seeing as we've followed the dramas all along on this sad little blog - I must report that they are seemingly a couple again. I know, I KNOW - I've been insane bouncing up and down with my John related feelings and woes - but I am done with it. I am a free agent. I am single. I am not in love/lust with anyone. And I am ok, just that way.

Just as the saying goes however, that change is always challenged - who would be parked next to my car today while I was in town for the briefest of brief shopping expeditions? None other than the aforementioned John and SpottyApple. You can imagine that I cursed The Lord when I saw his car parked where it was, and then even more so, when I glanced SpottyApple in all her spottiness sitting inside the parked car. Then, as I was trying to escape into the car, I heard a "Morning!" from behind me and it was him, it was John. Jesus, Mary and Joseph - of all the days, and all the times, and all the car spaces in this little town - they had to be there, they had to be sitting in the car, just when I was getting into mine. Fuck me. I'm sure it wasn't as pivotal a moment for them, as it clearly was for me - but I just didn't need it. I didn't need to see them together and be reminded. But, I'm ok, and I take solace in the knowledge that I won't see either of them for the next 8 days.

As some further insight into my personality, I declare that if I were an awesome tennis player, I would proudly be seen in this:

Although, it would obviously be, minus the crazy nanna pants seen here:

No apologies.

SB xx