Shades of Blue

I'm feeling empty. Like the last remaining drop of soft drink in an awkward plastic bottle, I've gone a little flat, I wouldn't fill an entire glass and most could 'take or leave' me.

I don't know what it is - I can't put my finger on it. There's no pulse to feel on this beast that is my... loneliness?

Is it work? Yeah, probably a little bit. Is it still that bastard John? Yep, almost certainly. Is it the way my life, the personal inner workings of my life seem eternally stagnant? Positively.

I think I know what it means to have someone 'under your skin'... except I haven't got all the awesome bits that I imagine go with such a predicament. Like stolen soft kisses and holding hands that aren't my own. If I had a choice that meant I could continue the same job I have, but in a different place, I think I'd most certainly take it. It cuts deeper than imaginable to have to sit metres away from your hearts desire, and know you'll never have them. You want to talk about torture... talk about that. And logically, don't get me started on the logical reasoning for wasting your heart on a wish - because there simply isn't any. I don't know how to switch it off. I CAN'T!

He's wasn't at work today - but circumstances arose as such, that I had to message him. I thought about not doing it, but then it would've reflected badly upon my work... and I don't want to allow this shit to wreck that too. I messaged him 5 hours ago. I received a 'thanks' reply 5 minutes ago, with a smiley face and a note to say his time away is 'awesome'.... he remembered he won't see me till Thursday. That's a good sign, right? Can you see how stupidly hopeless this is? What does the fucking smiley face even mean... if it means anything at all. Should I reply? Or does he not want to hear from me?

Fuck me.... I just messaged him. I wished him safe travels and said I was 'glad' he was enjoying himself, I returned the smiley face gesture, whatever that means. Jesus.

Is it his fault he doesn't see me in any other way, than someone worthy of a smiley face? Hardly. Does it hurt? Like nothing else.

There are some days where I feel like if I just said it out loud, to someone, it might make it better - but it'd probably make it a million times worse. I think about the day when he leaves, that then maybe, if I'm still around, I'd say something then - but what would that do?

Jesus Christ and heavens above - what do I do?

I want so desperately for my life to be amusing and funny - but at the moment, it's just sad and pathetic.

SB xx