Dynamite Heart

Today's song struck me early and has remained my song of the day. It's another Megan Washington called "Lover/Soldier". It's delicate and disarming, but kind of rough at the same time. Sort of the way I wish I was.

Yes, I know that when you hear this you'll feel strange (I know)
Still out of sight, but I've got this mouth that's full of dynamite, tonight.
Lover you're a soldier. You're a long long way from home.
A long way from your mother and you do it on your own.
I don't belong to you, and you don't belong to me.
I don't think we need to. It's just so easy.

So I survive. I just try to get through and stay alive...

I'm a mix of emotions tonight. I want to be happy, but I'm not. I feel like a piece is missing, but I don't know what shape or colour the piece is. I'm just hanging out in a dark room, waiting for the lights to switch on - scanning the walls with my hands, but all the while hoping someone else will just flick them on for me.

It was my travelling 'friends' birthday earlier this week. I sent her a present, even though I didn't feel like gift giving. This is the friend who I spent ages planning a trip to Italy with, before she went off in a fit of tight-ass-ness and brought her own ticket without consulting me. That sentence just boiled it down simply - but going down, it hurt and consequently, Italy and I never met. I'm angry at her, and I don't think I'll ever get over that. It's probably just as well she's settled herself in England for the time being, because I'm not sure I want much less distance between us. I have to reply to her email. I'm trying to remain polite, but there's always going to be a very obvious divide between us.

I think this weekend is the weekend for challenging myself. I will channel the loneliness into active creativity - I'm going to dust off the camera and see what I can do. I guess now is the time to do it, while no one is watching.

SB xx

OH GOD - I just remembered something very disturbing I discovered while facebook stalking Benchpress me NOW Boy... he's one of those awful text-talk, spell it like it sounds, but missing half the letters people. I HATE those people.