Spinning Wheels

I'm that car spinning its wheels on loose gravel, making noise, making a mess, getting nowhere.

I have that overwhelming feeling again that things aren't right. I went back to work today after my short break, and realised that aside from a couple of quality people, I didn't miss anything about it at all. It's still the big shitty mess that it's always been.

It's funny, but not in the comedic sense, how moments can stay with you so vividly. While I was away, something reminded me of that dark day when I saw John and SpottyApple secretly meeting. It winded me like I'd just fallen a great height into a body of water - face first. I can remember what I was wearing, what they were wearing, the way the sun felt on my skin, the sounds that broke the silence in my head. And worst of all, I can't listen to anything by La Roux, without being taken right back to that moment. Why is it, that it's the terrible moments that leave the scars? Why can't we remember the spectacularly awesome moments? Or maybe 'we' do, but I just don't have any to speak of, and that's why I don't have any to recall. I hate being reminded of that moment, and every time I hear them giggling together, or I hear what their plans are for the weekend - I'm taken right back there, and it's like the bubble bursts all over again.

I know, I know, I said I was over him; and I am, mostly. It doesn't really make all this stuff go away though. I accept reality the way it is, I just don't really like it.

Where once I was the car with the spinning wheels, I am now the car that's just flown off the bridge and plunged into a treacherous river - my interior is filling with water, all my doors are jammed and I can't do anything to stop it. I keep digging myself deeper and deeper into debt, with my credit card - I've lost control, just like the car.

I'm scared that I don't have the strength of will to make good things happen for myself. That I can't restrain myself for the greater good - with food, with money, with my loyalty and love.

SB xx