Exit, stage left

I am feeling desperately deflated this evening. The reality (or is it the imagined reality - I can't tell anymore) of my existence has me so... defeated?

I have a problem of major proportions, because I want to love my life so so much, but all I feel like exclaiming right now, is that 'I fucking hate my life'. What is wrong with me??

Honestly, I had a crappy day at work, and it doesn't help that my little doom radio kicks in and decides to broadcast the 'yes StrangeBird, the world IS against you' channel. I'm tired of the world and it's people. Ironically, I am tired of people who complain to me about there problems.... but-ahh, this here blog is mostly an exercise in me being a bit soft, isn't it? I guess my small redemption is that I don't subject people to my rant - very often that is.

I want to tell most of the people around me to get fucked... do you suppose it's time I had a break??

Speaking of breaks, I've organised a couple of days off from work, so that I can take a solo road trip to the coast. My family think I'm nuts. I go through phases where I think it's nuts too. However, the prospect of hitting the open road, seeing the ocean and being alone with myself and the sea, on the whole, excites me more than it frightens me. So, to me, that's a huge sign to say DO IT!

Found myself in a funny situation today. I could be completely creating this in my mind - but I think John is avoiding me. He seemed to have taken every opportunity today to not be near me. Which, on the whole is fine - I'm really at the point where I don't want to deal with him either - but I know my reasons... I just don't understand his. It makes me feel insecure and bad. Circumstances of the afternoon saw that myself, SpottyApple and John all had to work together on a crisis of sorts. At one point, he had to sit back and watch me and his girlfriend work together; I wonder how it felt? If it felt like anything? Then, I was dismissed - like a tiresome servant whose very presence was annoying. That's the way it felt to me. I. Just. Don't. Care. Any. More.

Whoever said that there is a fine line between love and hate was right. I think I hate John.

SB xx