Mean Dreams

Today I woke up and remembered that through the course of the night, I had experienced some rather nice, but strange dreams about my ex-work crush guy, 'John'. When I could muster the energy, I cursed God aloud for being so cruel, for showing me things in my dreams that aren't real, that won't be real and that hurt me. A dream about Robbie Williams or the like I can handle, but 'John' who I am trying desperately to shake from me, well that's just plain mean.

Hence, today's song comes from Sia, called 'I go to sleep' -

When I look up from my pillow I dream you are there with me
Though you are far away I know you'll always be near me

I go to sleep and imagine that you're there with me
I go to sleep and imagine that you're there with me

I look around me and feel you are ever so close to me
Each tear that flows from my eyes brings back memories of you to me

I was wrong
I will cry
I will love you 'till the day I die
You alone
You alone and no one else
You were meant for me

When morning comes again I have the loneliness you left me
Each day drags by until finally night time descends on me

Just for the record, I don't consciously choose to dream about 'John' - although this clearly doesn't matter. I guess while we are on the subject, in the dream - for some reason 'John' and I were in the same house alone - I don't know, for work or whatever and things were a bit threatening and we had some trouble over the course of the night... so when we both awoke and then checked out the trouble, it was cold, so 'John' was like "hey, why don't we like, join our sleeping bags together and sleep next to one another, in the same bed, to keep warm". And of course dream me, was like "hey, yeah, good idea...". So we did, and nothing happened, but just the visual and the fading memory of lying next to him in the dark is disturbing. And now, while just describing the dream, I know exactly where it came from! Someone asked his girlfriend the other day, how it was without him around (because he's away at the moment), and she said "it's colder at night, in bed" - suppressing my upchuck reflex with a smile at the time... to that comment I now think - put some fucking socks on, BITCH!! I don't need to HEAR this stuff!

Ok - so dream dramas aside, I am trying very hard to erase him from my mind. It's difficult with his girlfriend in my face everyday though. And trying to be the graceful person, I'm being friendly with his girlfriend, who appears mostly to be warm and endearing and nice in her own way - but there's a part of me that won't ever trust her. God, it hurts. It's not her fault really. If it's anyones fault, it's mine. But enough of that.

I had another non-verbal, non-close encounter with Benchpress me NOW Boy today - he's still as muscly and broody as ever - but there's something safe about him. It could be his vibe I am tuning into, or purely the size of his biceps - time will tell perhaps. I have a terrible feeling I screwed up though. Normally I'm first on the bike, so usually he's the one joining me, one bike away. But today, he was on the bike first, and I didn't want to be crowding, so I went to the bike 2 bikes away from him, except the pedals were stuffed on that bike, so I had to move along another bike. SO, in essence, I abandoned my usual position - and maybe he's going to read something into that?! Or maybe he didn't notice, or doesn't care. Oh dear. I wish he'd just talk to me!

This entry is just awful. Listen to me bitch and moan and over think. Note to self - get a life!

Clearly still strange as ever,
SB xx