WARNING: writer in extreme state of self pity
So what's the problem? I don't know exactly. The day started off ok, I did a few things that needed doing, went to the gym where I really pushed myself, came home, and it kind of fell apart from there. Perhaps it's because today is one of those days where I look in the mirror and I really don't like what I see. It's the kind of day that I don't seem to be able to put the usual mask on. Even playing my music on shuffle is giving me the shits - and I live for music, so what the hell kind of hope do I have?
It's days like these that I really need a sign on my forehead telling everyone to keep away. Kind of like the warning the cops give when there is some psycho on the loose: "Extreme caution is advised. Under no circumstances should you approach the suspect, she is believed to be armed and dangerous - maintain your distance." Yeah - that'd do it. It'd be better off for me and the people around me that way.
Oh, if I could start today again.
This long weekend is also doing my head in. I feel like I have cabin fever or something. I'm stuck in, I can't find anything to amuse me, family are everywhere, the expectations are suffocating. Boy, that's dramatic.
What else is eating at me? Just that little ol' thing that I'm not brilliant. I'm not the photographer I want to be, I'm not the daughter I should be, I'm not the person I want to be (especially today), I'm no ones lover, I'm no ones friend... I'm just a big nobody. FUCK.
I did warn you about the self pity.
Not even U2, or Lisa Mitchell can penetrate this hard little surface. Jesus... I know he probably has more important things on his mind right now - but I really just want to escape and wake up a different person.
No more. Christ, it's grim in here.
SB
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