Firstly, I must get this off my chest.. you blue eyed boys out there can go fuck yourselves. Blue eyed boys don't "need a brown eyed girl", you need a friggen clue!! That is all. That is ALL I'm going to say.
Today I had some life lessons long forgotten. I was right back at high school today, and experienced the whole array of social politics normally reserved for 17 year olds. I'm only 10 years late it seems. Today there was a group lunch at work - attended by a rainbow of individuals - from the plebs and coat tail riders, to the ladder climbers and princesses. It would seem that I found myself sitting on the 'cool kids' table. It's that same feeling you used to get, when going on a school trip, you scrambled to the back of the bus, only to be amongst an assembly of the 'coolest' and cruelest kids in your class, none of whom were your friends. A feeling I imagine much like how a live crayfish in one of those seafood restaurant feels - sitting there in the tank just waiting to be picked and boiled alive - nowhere to run or hide.
So, I'm at the cool kids table - it just happened that way ok. So, I'm sitting near the 'lads' who are talking shit, pumping each other up you know, I laugh absently at a joke here and there. Then arrive the passive aggression queens of the world - they sit next to and across from me - fuck, can this get any worse? Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of them, I'm just not a fan, and they've never been of me - that's fine. But then, I spot my friend in the crowd, there's no space left for her to sit, ok deep breaths. Then, all the cool kids start talking their cool kid crap, some of it funny, most of it crude or cruel or both, and some of it, I am ashamed to admit, I was seduced by and I hated myself for it the moment it happened. THEN, they started to make comments about my friend - and it's one of those awful situations where you are the piece of meat that is surrounded by the pack of wild dogs, and you know, you make a move - it's not going to be pretty. I didn't say anything - mostly I ignored the remarks, but I hated myself for it - I thought I might have grown the balls by now to stand up to shit like that - but apparently not so. I'm ashamed even still, because right then, at that moment I was back at high school - I was just wanting to shrink into the background, climb under the table without being seen and run away like a well trained ninja. At that moment, I didn't want to be my friends friend - this friend that had been so good to me. I know she's different, I know she's got enemies, I know she's not the 'normal' everyone is used to - but she's been good to me. I just feel like shit.
So, yesterday the universe was kind to me, and today, she was being cruel. Later on this afternoon, my dear co-lovers-workers left me to go home - only they didn't go home they just had somewhere cooler to be - without me. At first realisation it hurt, it stung a little, it was disappointing and I wanted to cry, but I didn't. It was the wake up I probably needed. The co-workers where also 'the couple' I struggle with - but it made me realise, maybe he is just one of the cool kids, he's just another dick that I tried to avoid at school, and maybe he showed his true colours today. I think you can tell a lot about a person, by the way they conduct themselves around their friends, and how they treat those 'below' them - and I have to say, I didn't like what I saw today. It's a shame his eyes still haven't completely lost their spellbinding abilities, but to me, he's lost some of his shine. What was I thinking, thinking we would ever be together? What a twit I truly am.
So, the realisations to come of today - that we never really leave high school, there are always the same amount of assholes out there, they just aren't wearing uniforms anymore and are a little harder to spot. And that life never ceases to be a competition - never.
And with that, I am done. I'm a little crushed from today's experiences, but I have the weekend to myself and I am going to use it to power up, smarten up and harden up.
All about the strange love,
SB xx
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