I've been scrolling through my music, trying to find something sad enough to match the way I feel right now. It's like I have all these tears welling up, building like a dam that is about to break in my head and I can't. I can't because I am afraid that once I start, I won't be able to stop. I hate feeling this way, and I especially don't want my family to see me this way. It's my birthday tomorrow, my family are making a big deal about it and instead of drawing attention to myself, I just want to run away and hide. No, I'm not being precious about my birthday - I'm just not in the frame of mind to be under every ones microscope.
There's probably a few contributors to these feelings.
There is an old, old, distant family friend who, after seeing me a few times and conversing briefly with me, has decided it would be a good idea to match me up with his grandson (it hurts me just having to type this). Despite the obvious ewww factor, I just don't respond well to be sorted out, matched up - I just don't. This old man may very well have the loveliest of intentions, but the thought that a 90 year needs to sort out my love life and set me up makes me feel sick, sad and ashamed all with the one blow. He saw my mother recently and asked for my photo - so that he could give it to his grandson. He's also now paid a visit to my father, trying to get my phone number and to drop off a picture of the grandson. My dad brought the picture home tonight and left it in an envelope on my desk. I didn't know whether I wanted to look at it. I wondered if I should look at it before or after I went out tonight, leave it until tomorrow or the day after - or throw it in the bin without looking. I took a deep breath and looked at it before I went out, I looked at it again about 10 minutes ago - there's not really much to say about it. He looks perfectly pleasant - but why do I have this photo? I don't want to ridicule this guy, I don't want to feel ridiculed myself - why is this happening? Is love so rare and difficult to find for some of us, that we must rely on our grandparents to set us up? Give out parts of our hope and soul along with our pictures, to people we don't know? Open ourselves to the possibility of being made fun of? I'm not laughing. Why do I respond so badly to these situations - I'm not sure. Mostly, I'm just ashamed that people feel the need to do this, ashamed that my life has gotten this desperate and generally embarrassed. I also hate people knowing my business. And mostly, I hate that I don't appear to be able to attract a male on my own, unlike what, 85% of the worlds female population. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
So, I had to go out tonight briefly. People from work were there. He was there. When he sees me dressed up, he has this look I can't describe. Is he shocked, does he want to get close to me, does he think to himself he picked the wrong girl, or is he just indifferent, and that's how it looks on his face? If I had to guess, perhaps it's a combination of all, he has this look of acknowledgment/embarrassment/sickness all in the one go. Yes, I am biased, and could be making it up. Whatever - at the end of it, he's with someone else, he chose someone else, end of story. If only it were that easy to switch it off. I really, really, really hate many parts of my life right now.
Why can't I get what I want?
It's my birthday tomorrow - I can only hope that ending this day in tears might wash everything away and I will wake up in a new, better looking world. God, please.
SB
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