Bono was right when he sang "Some days are better than others". I wasn't very truthful when I said I had nothing to write about earlier - the truth is, that the usual thoughts have been spinning their webs through my mind - some stronger than others. So what are these thoughts?
Well, there's the normal weight stuff, the thoughts about how I really should make this week, the week that changes everything - where I will eat sensibly and start to lose weight like I should. The week that I will stop eating my emotions - yeah right. Truth is, I am comfortable in my fat suit - I don't know how to deal with the attention, the idea that I might be attractive, and the other changes that come with being a 'former fatty' that thin people have no idea about.
Then there's the generally benign thoughts that say perhaps this week will be the magical week that my life is going to spin 180 degrees and be amazing - when that amazing man/opportunity/best friend is going to walk into my life and shake it up in a fantastic way.
Of course, it goes without saying that all of this is usually accompanied with the struggle of coping with (ex-)work crush boy. I wish I could be all, I don't know, Aretha Franklin-like (R.E.S.P.E.C.T era), and tell you all that I have succeeded in ejecting him from my consciousness - but that'd be lying. Yes, I am making progress, I feel less like crying now, and more 'tolerable' to the truth of reality. But this doesn't mean all the feelings have magically disappeared, I still feel angry and jealous and bitterly disappointed at times. To tell you that I don't show up to work on Monday mornings, secretly hoping for a relationship breakup - would be lying. I would also be lying to say that I wouldn't give him my all in two heartbeats, if he suddenly proclaimed his love of me, to me.
And generally I am angry, I am frustrated with some of the decisions I have made in my past that have led me to this point. There are so many people, situations that I must forgive and release in order to move on - I realise this and I want to make amends. I am hoping to compile a list within the next week, and work towards releasing them all. I understand that holding onto these emotions like regret is poisonous, and I meant it when I said it previously, that I want to move on.
I only made one resolution this year - but don't be fooled, it's a big one. My one resolution was simply to 'make things happen'. I have taken some giant steps in some areas of my life and have made things happen, which I am proud of - but the big stuff, the personal stuff - it's harder for me. That's the foundation that was laid down long, long ago and it's going to be hard to shift. Still, like some wise graffiti artist once carved into my high school desk "reach for the moon and if you fall you'll land among the stars". Never did more inspirational words deface a school desk than those.
I must be off for now. It is getting late, and I have been avoiding some reading for a work meeting tomorrow. Alas, it must be done.
With faith and determination, I sign off -
SB xx
keeping it strange
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