Emotional Incontinence

I look forward to a time when I don't feel like I'm drowning in feelings for people I can't have. As much as I've tried to push them away - history tells me this is not a solution of any value. I've just now looked up the definition of 'insanity' - it actually means 'not of sound mind; mad' - seems a fairly good description of how I feel a lot of the time.

Don't get me wrong, I'm highly functioning, well, in the important areas. It's just the times when I'm left alone, when the world gets quiet, that my mind starts to wander and wonder and I'm perfectly in tune with 'doom radio'.

One of my workmates is going through some personal difficulties at the moment. She's a highly unpredictable, dysfunctional person, who also suffers from depression, avoids confrontation and anything else she doesn't like, very well. And by 'very well' I mean consistently, and with very little regard for the consequences of her in-action (i.e. the dangerous kind). I can spot this a mile away, I wrote the book on distraction, so she doesn't fool me. I think I'm in a position right now to say I'm glad I'm not like that so much anymore. Sometimes I wonder if the only thing that divides 'strangebird' from 'mental strangebird' is 150mg of Effexor? I'd like to think that right now I'm more than the sum of some prescription pills and a little chemical imbalance. Truth is - I don't know for sure.

I sat down to do some study - however quickly realised my mind wasn't going to play that game with me. Instead, I wrote it all down, like a silent spew on the page. I think in many ways this blog stuff has helped me - when I felt like I didn't have anyone to talk to, I knew I could go to the computer and run away with my thoughts - put them out into the ether, but still know they were recorded in space and time, and acknowledged, albeit, on a server somewhere out in the electronic world.

Thanks for receiving.

SB xx