I'm not too sure how I am feeling at the moment. I always head to the computer with the best intentions of writing some awesome entry that'll change the world for a moment, but I get here - and it's all gone again. So what's been going on in the life of strangebird lately?
On the weekend I attended a small party/get together - did I have fun, well, if I were completing one of those 'circle the appropriate response' questionnaires, my answer for that one would be i neither had a good or bad time. In case it wasn't obvious already, social settings aren't really my thing. I hate them in fact, especially when I have to go on my own - because you never have that back-up person to hang with. But every now and then, I challenge myself, for 'graded exposure' purposes. I did okay - but I am not getting any better at small talk. It's like, I've exhausted the weather, the job, the background in the first 2 minutes and I have NO WHERE to go! Seriously, if you looked at me close enough I'm sure you would see my mind ticking over, clicking inappropriately like a timer that didn't go off when it was supposed to. But, I just don't know how to get better at these things. I think it's probably a plus that mostly people at parties are drinking or on their way to drunk, so hopefully they don't notice the awkwardness of me. Perhaps therein lies the illusive answer.. perhaps I need to be one of the ones drinking. But, drinking, aside from not appealing to me, also scares me - I don't like not being in control and there are SO MANY years of repression, I'd be a little scared of what might come out!!
Work today - was ok. Crush boy, who for the purposes of this blog, we will run with the name John is causing me some devastating damage. He's being friendly with me, more friendly than normal and that is dangerous. Doesn't John know what he's doing to me, or is it just a stupid male thing? Perhaps he's just trying to be my friend - he is a nice boy really, which is why I am attracted to him in the first place. But damn you John, must you be this way. You're killing me here!!
My heart has been doing this funny thing lately. I had it checked awhile back - but back then it wasn't as frequent as it is now. It's scaring me a little. I don't think it's anxiety, because anxiety has never manifested itself in that manner with me before. I blame John. Damn you John, does your heart skip like mine? Have you noticed I like using John? For dramatic effect, is it working? No, I didn't think so.
Farewell for now
SB xx
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