hang me up to dry

I'm sad, angry and frustrated all in one. I think about my crush - or whatever you want to call it. It's the most ridiculous, laughable aspect of my existence and it's not funny anymore. It stopped being funny the moment I saw him and that other girl together. I feel sick and I can't shake it. FUCK. The thing is, when it all happened, I felt so ashamed and foolish - I felt like I'd been betrayed. Did he realise it? Did he know what he was doing? Does he know what he's doing every time he looks at me with those eyes.... those eyes the colour of which I don't know how to explain. I haven't dared look at them for too long, for fear of getting lost. The thing is - I'm already lost. I'm a fucking missing person.

Why can't I shake this? I've had crushes before and I've ridden them out eventually - why won't it go away? I hate this and I'm angry and sometimes I want to hate him so much - but I can't do it, not for long anyway.

How could life be so cruel? Ok, so, I've never declared for certain, because I never really knew - but I'm sure there was something there - I wasn't imagining it all - surely? Oh God - I said not one more tear... they are there - they are welling up. This is horrible.

So, he chose the other girl. We are different, so, by rights, if he likes her - he was never going to like me, right? If he chose her, then the game is done right? I should be able to say "his loss" and believe it - but I don't. I want to say to myself "you deserve better" but I can't, because I don't believe it. I say to myself "things happen for a reason" but it's hard, when that is the only comeback you've got for every-single shit thing that happens in your life. When do these "things" start happening in my favour? How patient do I need to be?

This is a sickness. It's sick, I know it's sick. If you're some stranger, and you're reading this - I can imagine what it looks like from the outside - I know it, I do. Tell me what I am supposed to do, to make it go away. Short of leaving my job - what am I supposed to do? I'm not a nutcase. I'm confused, and I need a really good cry.... and God, by the way - I think you're doing a shitty job with me.

My heart is doing back flips and I don't know why and I'm freaking out about it and all I want to do is wash you off John - as much as you used to make the days interesting, you now make them doubly painful. I HATE what you've done to me John. You've broken me.

Oh God - I really, really don't know what to do anymore. I can't take it anymore. I do not understand these feelings. Wash me clean and then hang me out to dry 'cause I got nothing else.

SB