I have a theory that you know you've reached the maturity of true adulthood when you are not opposed to sipping a glass of wine while dining on cheese platters. I think it's a pivotal moment in life when your idea of a decadent night is tucking into some vino and fromage along with other vino-fromage lovers. This being said, I haven't yet reached this stage in my life, and I'm not too sure what this says about me? Given the fact I don't actually like wine, I could be in some real trouble?!
SB xx
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
I'm good, I'm gone
Generally, I am unsure. I am unsure about who I am, who others are, and what the hell my purpose in life is. Do we actually have 'a purpose'? Does God have a shit load of filing cabinets up there, containing files with each of our names, and inside detailing our reason for being? OK, the paper trail is probably taking the illusion a little too far, but I'm not sure I could live if I didn't think that deep down I had a reason for being here - no matter how small or mundane.
Tonight I fail to bring an entry that makes any real sense. I have a splitting headache and a general sleepy disposition that makes me feel like I want to curl up in bed and wake up in 12 hours time.
At present I am in a mood of hmmm... empowered indifference?? I'm sick to fuck of caring about ex-crush boy and I've had it with work dramas. My 'workplace bestie' is leaving; tomorrow is her last day of work. I'm going to miss having someone in my corner.
I've had some moments of clarity recently. I've realised that everyone has their own things going on, even though it may not seem that way. I've realised very few people actually care about your response when they ask "how are you?" and even fewer want to know. And a lesson long-time coming, is that you cannot fight the flow of things - it just gets you two things... nowhere and tired. Even though I feel like God, angels, or whoever, isn't listening to me - perhaps their absence is the answer, perhaps what they are really 'saying' when they are not saying anything at all is, this is it strangebird - deal? I pray that like a mixed up puzzle when you first begin to piece parts of it together, that someday soon, it'll all make sense and I'll be able to laugh at myself for being so inpatient, pushy and arrogant. Maybe, just maybe I don't know what's best for me, maybe I'm looking from the wrong perspective?
SB xx
Tonight I fail to bring an entry that makes any real sense. I have a splitting headache and a general sleepy disposition that makes me feel like I want to curl up in bed and wake up in 12 hours time.
At present I am in a mood of hmmm... empowered indifference?? I'm sick to fuck of caring about ex-crush boy and I've had it with work dramas. My 'workplace bestie' is leaving; tomorrow is her last day of work. I'm going to miss having someone in my corner.
I've had some moments of clarity recently. I've realised that everyone has their own things going on, even though it may not seem that way. I've realised very few people actually care about your response when they ask "how are you?" and even fewer want to know. And a lesson long-time coming, is that you cannot fight the flow of things - it just gets you two things... nowhere and tired. Even though I feel like God, angels, or whoever, isn't listening to me - perhaps their absence is the answer, perhaps what they are really 'saying' when they are not saying anything at all is, this is it strangebird - deal? I pray that like a mixed up puzzle when you first begin to piece parts of it together, that someday soon, it'll all make sense and I'll be able to laugh at myself for being so inpatient, pushy and arrogant. Maybe, just maybe I don't know what's best for me, maybe I'm looking from the wrong perspective?
SB xx
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Ignoring the signs
Yesterday at work, I vaguely accepted an invite to a group dinner for someones birthday. As quickly as I said yes, I immediately wished I hadn't. And now just as I am writing this entry, the alternate universe strangebird would be living it up in a restaurant surrounded by many friends. No, I didn't go.
I thought about it awhile. I know that social events for me are few and far between, and there is a part of me that wants to be included in the group stuff, but I had to weigh it up with everything else. The person celebrating their birthday is not that close with me, I would've been out of place amongst the people that spend their weekends together. And then the big one of course, is that ex-work crush would've most certainly been there and partnered up - and I just can't take it anymore. Armed with his usual array of weapons against my will and heart, he is also carrying a heavy case of grief with him, which you can see in his eyes - and I just can't bear to be around the pain and not be able to do anything about it.
So I made the decision not to go, and I sent a text to someone to pass on the message. Shortly after this was done, I stumbled upon a takeaway menu for the very restaurant I was supposed to be going to. A sign perhaps - the sign of a bad decision, the sign that I missed out on some nice food, a sign I can still get takeaway (!), a sign of my guilty conscience, or not a sign at all. I'm undecided. Given I've never seen this menu laying around my Dad's office before today, makes it seem all the more eerie. Whatever the case, God is going to have to make these signs a little more timely and a whole lot clearer if I've got any chance of using them to steer me.
I wonder if somewhere there is an alternate me, but instead of everything being an awful depressive mess, it is beautiful and shiny and full of friends and love... and him. It'd be nice if a part of me got what I wanted - even if it was just an imaginary part.
I thought about it awhile. I know that social events for me are few and far between, and there is a part of me that wants to be included in the group stuff, but I had to weigh it up with everything else. The person celebrating their birthday is not that close with me, I would've been out of place amongst the people that spend their weekends together. And then the big one of course, is that ex-work crush would've most certainly been there and partnered up - and I just can't take it anymore. Armed with his usual array of weapons against my will and heart, he is also carrying a heavy case of grief with him, which you can see in his eyes - and I just can't bear to be around the pain and not be able to do anything about it.
So I made the decision not to go, and I sent a text to someone to pass on the message. Shortly after this was done, I stumbled upon a takeaway menu for the very restaurant I was supposed to be going to. A sign perhaps - the sign of a bad decision, the sign that I missed out on some nice food, a sign I can still get takeaway (!), a sign of my guilty conscience, or not a sign at all. I'm undecided. Given I've never seen this menu laying around my Dad's office before today, makes it seem all the more eerie. Whatever the case, God is going to have to make these signs a little more timely and a whole lot clearer if I've got any chance of using them to steer me.
I wonder if somewhere there is an alternate me, but instead of everything being an awful depressive mess, it is beautiful and shiny and full of friends and love... and him. It'd be nice if a part of me got what I wanted - even if it was just an imaginary part.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
dirtee strange love
His name escaped from my mouth today, as I was trying to recall someone elses name. Some naughty little angel planted him in my mind and on my lips, and embedded him in my heart too long ago. And when this was done, something was taken from me - something unnamed and unseen and I want it back so that it can fill the large void that now exists.
So now what, I can't even trust the words that come out of my mouth? Boy, that's dangerous. Perhaps distance is the only cure?
Why am I being made to hurt so much? How come everyone else gets to be content and I don't even have control over my conscious thoughts?
I'm done, I'm going to read a crappy women's magazine to really bring the mood up. That should really make me feel like a worthy human being.
SB xx
So now what, I can't even trust the words that come out of my mouth? Boy, that's dangerous. Perhaps distance is the only cure?
Why am I being made to hurt so much? How come everyone else gets to be content and I don't even have control over my conscious thoughts?
I'm done, I'm going to read a crappy women's magazine to really bring the mood up. That should really make me feel like a worthy human being.
SB xx
Emotional Incontinence
I look forward to a time when I don't feel like I'm drowning in feelings for people I can't have. As much as I've tried to push them away - history tells me this is not a solution of any value. I've just now looked up the definition of 'insanity' - it actually means 'not of sound mind; mad' - seems a fairly good description of how I feel a lot of the time.
Don't get me wrong, I'm highly functioning, well, in the important areas. It's just the times when I'm left alone, when the world gets quiet, that my mind starts to wander and wonder and I'm perfectly in tune with 'doom radio'.
One of my workmates is going through some personal difficulties at the moment. She's a highly unpredictable, dysfunctional person, who also suffers from depression, avoids confrontation and anything else she doesn't like, very well. And by 'very well' I mean consistently, and with very little regard for the consequences of her in-action (i.e. the dangerous kind). I can spot this a mile away, I wrote the book on distraction, so she doesn't fool me. I think I'm in a position right now to say I'm glad I'm not like that so much anymore. Sometimes I wonder if the only thing that divides 'strangebird' from 'mental strangebird' is 150mg of Effexor? I'd like to think that right now I'm more than the sum of some prescription pills and a little chemical imbalance. Truth is - I don't know for sure.
I sat down to do some study - however quickly realised my mind wasn't going to play that game with me. Instead, I wrote it all down, like a silent spew on the page. I think in many ways this blog stuff has helped me - when I felt like I didn't have anyone to talk to, I knew I could go to the computer and run away with my thoughts - put them out into the ether, but still know they were recorded in space and time, and acknowledged, albeit, on a server somewhere out in the electronic world.
Thanks for receiving.
SB xx
Don't get me wrong, I'm highly functioning, well, in the important areas. It's just the times when I'm left alone, when the world gets quiet, that my mind starts to wander and wonder and I'm perfectly in tune with 'doom radio'.
One of my workmates is going through some personal difficulties at the moment. She's a highly unpredictable, dysfunctional person, who also suffers from depression, avoids confrontation and anything else she doesn't like, very well. And by 'very well' I mean consistently, and with very little regard for the consequences of her in-action (i.e. the dangerous kind). I can spot this a mile away, I wrote the book on distraction, so she doesn't fool me. I think I'm in a position right now to say I'm glad I'm not like that so much anymore. Sometimes I wonder if the only thing that divides 'strangebird' from 'mental strangebird' is 150mg of Effexor? I'd like to think that right now I'm more than the sum of some prescription pills and a little chemical imbalance. Truth is - I don't know for sure.
I sat down to do some study - however quickly realised my mind wasn't going to play that game with me. Instead, I wrote it all down, like a silent spew on the page. I think in many ways this blog stuff has helped me - when I felt like I didn't have anyone to talk to, I knew I could go to the computer and run away with my thoughts - put them out into the ether, but still know they were recorded in space and time, and acknowledged, albeit, on a server somewhere out in the electronic world.
Thanks for receiving.
SB xx
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Musical Lessons
Today I don't have much to write about, so I thought I'd leave you will some more lyrics - this time from Death Cab For Cutie's song titled "I will possess your heart".
I don't necessarily believe that I can possess any ones heart, but it's a fairly good depiction of how it feels, to want someone so desperately and how it feels to will them, to just see you. I'm sure this is a time-old dilemma, but I am wondering if anyone actually gets their match that way? When it's so one sided, can it ever move beyond anything else but a dream? I suspect it wouldn't really work out - kinda like when you're seeing a movie for the first time, with someone who has already seen it - they might not say anything, but you know they are watching you like a hawk for your reactions - they already have expectations, and it's hard living up to peoples ideas.
How I wish you could see the potential.
The potential of you and me.
It's like a book elegantly bound,
But in a language you can't read just yet.
You gotta spend some time, love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find love.
I will possess your heart.
There are days when outside your window,
I see me reflection as I slowly pass.
And I long for this mirrored perspective,
When we'll be lovers, lovers at last....
SB xx
I don't necessarily believe that I can possess any ones heart, but it's a fairly good depiction of how it feels, to want someone so desperately and how it feels to will them, to just see you. I'm sure this is a time-old dilemma, but I am wondering if anyone actually gets their match that way? When it's so one sided, can it ever move beyond anything else but a dream? I suspect it wouldn't really work out - kinda like when you're seeing a movie for the first time, with someone who has already seen it - they might not say anything, but you know they are watching you like a hawk for your reactions - they already have expectations, and it's hard living up to peoples ideas.
How I wish you could see the potential.
The potential of you and me.
It's like a book elegantly bound,
But in a language you can't read just yet.
You gotta spend some time, love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find love.
I will possess your heart.
There are days when outside your window,
I see me reflection as I slowly pass.
And I long for this mirrored perspective,
When we'll be lovers, lovers at last....
SB xx
Saturday, April 24, 2010
A classic in the making
Since being on here, I've managed to stumble upon some great blogs. I love this blogging world, not only does it provide me with an anonymous outlet, but it also lets me peer in on other worlds, other people and their experiences. It's a world in its own right, we are all members of the same electronic universe. Plus, there are some truly inspirational people out there, and great writers too, so it's also filling in a spiritual sense.
Lately I have been reading 'Madame Bovary' - it's the first time I have attempted the read, and I am finding it ok. It took a while to get into the head space of it - sometimes when I read books that are set in a vastly different time, with different language and expressions I find it hard to stay on task - my mind tends to wander, and I don't seem to be able to 'get into' the book. 'Madame Bovary' however has grown on me, and probably has much to do with the fact that I can identify a lot with her story. Like her, I have misconceptions and ill-fitted expectations that don't manifest in real life. Plus, her roller coaster of emotions and general contempt for her life are also things I can sympathise with. I also carry with me a weight of regret for ?love passed over. I am currently at the part where Leon has just left and she is only now realising what she's 'done' - I am very interested to see where it leads, but something tells me that dear Emma Bovary is not headed for a happy ending. Perhaps some of us are built that way... perhaps I am built that way? Time will tell I suppose.
Until next time - sending out the strangest of love...
SB xx
Lately I have been reading 'Madame Bovary' - it's the first time I have attempted the read, and I am finding it ok. It took a while to get into the head space of it - sometimes when I read books that are set in a vastly different time, with different language and expressions I find it hard to stay on task - my mind tends to wander, and I don't seem to be able to 'get into' the book. 'Madame Bovary' however has grown on me, and probably has much to do with the fact that I can identify a lot with her story. Like her, I have misconceptions and ill-fitted expectations that don't manifest in real life. Plus, her roller coaster of emotions and general contempt for her life are also things I can sympathise with. I also carry with me a weight of regret for ?love passed over. I am currently at the part where Leon has just left and she is only now realising what she's 'done' - I am very interested to see where it leads, but something tells me that dear Emma Bovary is not headed for a happy ending. Perhaps some of us are built that way... perhaps I am built that way? Time will tell I suppose.
Until next time - sending out the strangest of love...
SB xx
Friday, April 23, 2010
Catapult
Today was a fairly uneventful day at work - which was nice for a change. It was particularly quiet because almost everyone checked out early for the long weekend.
I am very quickly eating myself through my entire stock of Easter eggs - it is unhealthy and I am aware of it - but I just can't seem to stop. I know I've reached a critical level, when I am willing to ingest an egg, even when the wrapping is ripped open - my God - I used to have standards! So, so very sad.
In all seriousness, I do want to get proactive about getting healthy - the gym is great, but it's only going to be useful if I match that with what I am putting in my mouth. Why does it feel like I've spent most of my life worrying about weight and food - probably because I have. I know that life's ups and downs are going to be easier to deal with, if I am in a healthy state. I also know that I have a lot of genetic and family history reasons for trimming my fat ass down and watching what I eat. I also learnt yesterday that sufferers of depression are at a higher risk of having a stroke. All in all, excellent news! What once used to be what I like to refer to, as 'The Holy Trinity' - that is hypertension, obesity and diabetes, now suddenly has an additional side in stroke - and I'm not liking it!
Aside from all of this in the background, I feel fairly positive that I am going ok. I know, this mood doesn't strike me very often - but after considering the state of mind I used to be in, a couple of years back - I realised I've made some headway. I might not have it all, or have all the right answers - but I am wise in my own right. I also acknowledge that I am a good person, nay 'great' and I deserve good things!
It was kept fairly hush that my (ex-)work crush had a death in his family this week. I didn't actually hear about it until after I had the opportunity to give my condolences to him. I felt awful. I felt awful because while I didn't want to deal with having to get close enough to approach the subject with him, I also felt bad because he probably thought we didn't care and I felt sympathetic to his situation, and a huge part of me just wanted to be a comfort to him. Even though I am kind of resentful for the way things played out - there is a huge part of me that wants to have his eyes meet mine, and for him to share the load with me he so obviously carries. For once, I let me brain do the leading - I forgot about my heart, I forgot about what "people might think" and I got hold of him mobile number, and sent him a message conveying my sadness and thoughts. I don't know how it was taken, I don't know how he'll feel about it - but as a decent human being I had to do it.
Lets see what the weekend brings...
SB xx
I am very quickly eating myself through my entire stock of Easter eggs - it is unhealthy and I am aware of it - but I just can't seem to stop. I know I've reached a critical level, when I am willing to ingest an egg, even when the wrapping is ripped open - my God - I used to have standards! So, so very sad.
In all seriousness, I do want to get proactive about getting healthy - the gym is great, but it's only going to be useful if I match that with what I am putting in my mouth. Why does it feel like I've spent most of my life worrying about weight and food - probably because I have. I know that life's ups and downs are going to be easier to deal with, if I am in a healthy state. I also know that I have a lot of genetic and family history reasons for trimming my fat ass down and watching what I eat. I also learnt yesterday that sufferers of depression are at a higher risk of having a stroke. All in all, excellent news! What once used to be what I like to refer to, as 'The Holy Trinity' - that is hypertension, obesity and diabetes, now suddenly has an additional side in stroke - and I'm not liking it!
Aside from all of this in the background, I feel fairly positive that I am going ok. I know, this mood doesn't strike me very often - but after considering the state of mind I used to be in, a couple of years back - I realised I've made some headway. I might not have it all, or have all the right answers - but I am wise in my own right. I also acknowledge that I am a good person, nay 'great' and I deserve good things!
It was kept fairly hush that my (ex-)work crush had a death in his family this week. I didn't actually hear about it until after I had the opportunity to give my condolences to him. I felt awful. I felt awful because while I didn't want to deal with having to get close enough to approach the subject with him, I also felt bad because he probably thought we didn't care and I felt sympathetic to his situation, and a huge part of me just wanted to be a comfort to him. Even though I am kind of resentful for the way things played out - there is a huge part of me that wants to have his eyes meet mine, and for him to share the load with me he so obviously carries. For once, I let me brain do the leading - I forgot about my heart, I forgot about what "people might think" and I got hold of him mobile number, and sent him a message conveying my sadness and thoughts. I don't know how it was taken, I don't know how he'll feel about it - but as a decent human being I had to do it.
Lets see what the weekend brings...
SB xx
Thursday, April 22, 2010
the good fight?
For as long as I can remember, I have been fighting a fight that I'm not sure I will ever win. What am I fighting against? Probably myself mostly, against my own insecurities, thoughts, expectations and ideals. Mostly, I try to put up a fight against this negativity which I seem to secrete fairly consistently, and I really hate myself for it. I like to think that I'm not such a Negative Nelly that I miss the point of living, but most of time I seem to end the day with a bad taste in my mouth - the taste of a day wasted. When I observe my mother closely, I see where I get it from - everything is a disaster, she doesn't easily find the bright side of anything. And when I see this in my mother, I realise how much I don't want to be that way. I say to myself that "I can't possibly be that bad". But the truth is, perhaps I am?
Sometimes I'm guilty of thinking, if only 'this' would happen, if I could just achieve 'this' then I know I'd be happy - but I think we all know that is a load of crap, and the target for 'this' is ever changing and therefore eternally elusive.
I think I am starting to understand the difference between being happy, and being content. It is now that I realise happiness is not realistic, but contentment is. To me, being content means taking stock of everything - the good, the bad - and making peace with it - making a decision to say "this is what I have been dealt and I am going to work with it". Contentment seems to be the act of choosing to be grateful for what life has given, and the determination to 'make lemonade with the lemons' you get given. My goal is to be content. It seems to me that happiness is the state, but contentment is choice. I choose to be content.
It's funny, we have this horrible tablecloth that is always used on the dining table at home, and I'm always on at Mum about how ugly it is - it has the appearance of spew on cloth, and is an epileptic fit waiting to happen. So, she brought a new fancy tablecloth and washed it with the old ugly one. In the act of washing, the new one lost some of it's colour, so now the old tablecloth not only looks spewy - but also makes me feel like I have a pair of red cellophane glasses on when I look at it. I had the thought that this must be what the world looks like when one is wearing rose coloured glasses - fake and awkward and slightly sickly.
So, I'm determined to decline the rose coloured specks, and retire the long worn dark shades, and instead opt for an unaided, true to life view of my world. Contentment, I have my eye on you Sir...
Bye for now,
SB xx
Sometimes I'm guilty of thinking, if only 'this' would happen, if I could just achieve 'this' then I know I'd be happy - but I think we all know that is a load of crap, and the target for 'this' is ever changing and therefore eternally elusive.
I think I am starting to understand the difference between being happy, and being content. It is now that I realise happiness is not realistic, but contentment is. To me, being content means taking stock of everything - the good, the bad - and making peace with it - making a decision to say "this is what I have been dealt and I am going to work with it". Contentment seems to be the act of choosing to be grateful for what life has given, and the determination to 'make lemonade with the lemons' you get given. My goal is to be content. It seems to me that happiness is the state, but contentment is choice. I choose to be content.
It's funny, we have this horrible tablecloth that is always used on the dining table at home, and I'm always on at Mum about how ugly it is - it has the appearance of spew on cloth, and is an epileptic fit waiting to happen. So, she brought a new fancy tablecloth and washed it with the old ugly one. In the act of washing, the new one lost some of it's colour, so now the old tablecloth not only looks spewy - but also makes me feel like I have a pair of red cellophane glasses on when I look at it. I had the thought that this must be what the world looks like when one is wearing rose coloured glasses - fake and awkward and slightly sickly.
So, I'm determined to decline the rose coloured specks, and retire the long worn dark shades, and instead opt for an unaided, true to life view of my world. Contentment, I have my eye on you Sir...
Bye for now,
SB xx
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
the day after the earth shook
We've had a few aftershocks since yesterday, but nothing serious. I've realised I don't think I could live in a place that has frequent earthquakes - living with that constant silent threat that it could happen at any moment, without warning, would not be an advisable way for a highly anxious person to live.
I don't have anything of great interest to report. Lately, I have been feeling like I really want to be alone. I feel like I want to escape, be by myself, go where things are quiet. The people around me are driving me nuts - I'm tired of hearing people talk - just talk. The people at home, the people at work. One of my seven dwarf uncles is coming up with his family for the coming long weekend, and I don't particularly like this uncle - he's very selfish and ruthless - and really I just wish people would stay at home for their long weekends, instead of screwing up mine!
My boss is being weird at work and it's creeping me out too.
Today at the gym, I kind of tuned out, even from Benchpress me NOW Boy. I got to spy on him a little today, and everytime I see him tug on that rower handle, I wish those arms where around me - seriously, I do not have this reaction often. But in my head today, I felt like what is the point? In truth he probably doesn't give a rat's about the fact I am there.
I don't know anymore.
Over and out
SB xx
I don't have anything of great interest to report. Lately, I have been feeling like I really want to be alone. I feel like I want to escape, be by myself, go where things are quiet. The people around me are driving me nuts - I'm tired of hearing people talk - just talk. The people at home, the people at work. One of my seven dwarf uncles is coming up with his family for the coming long weekend, and I don't particularly like this uncle - he's very selfish and ruthless - and really I just wish people would stay at home for their long weekends, instead of screwing up mine!
My boss is being weird at work and it's creeping me out too.
Today at the gym, I kind of tuned out, even from Benchpress me NOW Boy. I got to spy on him a little today, and everytime I see him tug on that rower handle, I wish those arms where around me - seriously, I do not have this reaction often. But in my head today, I felt like what is the point? In truth he probably doesn't give a rat's about the fact I am there.
I don't know anymore.
Over and out
SB xx
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
the day the earth shook
We had an earthquake here today - a phenomenon highly unusual considering where I live - no tectonic plates in sight!
Possibly I am speechless from the lingering shock of it all, or perhaps because I once again find myself in a low mood. But I'm not going to harp on about how shit things are or about unrequited love - because, lets face it - we are ALL sick of that.
So, the earthquake hit this morning - and I thought for a brief moment that I may very well die all alone, in the backyard, wearing rubber gloves (don't ask). It was quite ridiculous actually, I dodged from spot to spot as I hopped frantically to an area deemed a 'safe zone', by me - it would've been the funniest sight if anyone had actually seen me do it - and it is times like these I am grateful I don't live in a place with CCTV... thank the Lord for small mercies. Anyway - it was 15 seconds of pure fear, everything shaking, dogs barking and general confusion - but luckily it happened at such an early hour that the damaged areas had few minor casualties. I suppose, getting over myself for a moment, I should be grateful that I don't live in a place that experiences these frequently and ferociously - I have a bed to sleep in tonight, in a room with an intact roof. It's all about the point of view isn't it?
After it happened I wondered if perhaps the day would deliver some more unexpected delights - like the earthquake set the tone for the day, and it would be enchantment from that moment on. Funnily enough, no. It seems my 'Nonna sense' is on the blink. Dammit.
Enough from me,
SB xx
Possibly I am speechless from the lingering shock of it all, or perhaps because I once again find myself in a low mood. But I'm not going to harp on about how shit things are or about unrequited love - because, lets face it - we are ALL sick of that.
So, the earthquake hit this morning - and I thought for a brief moment that I may very well die all alone, in the backyard, wearing rubber gloves (don't ask). It was quite ridiculous actually, I dodged from spot to spot as I hopped frantically to an area deemed a 'safe zone', by me - it would've been the funniest sight if anyone had actually seen me do it - and it is times like these I am grateful I don't live in a place with CCTV... thank the Lord for small mercies. Anyway - it was 15 seconds of pure fear, everything shaking, dogs barking and general confusion - but luckily it happened at such an early hour that the damaged areas had few minor casualties. I suppose, getting over myself for a moment, I should be grateful that I don't live in a place that experiences these frequently and ferociously - I have a bed to sleep in tonight, in a room with an intact roof. It's all about the point of view isn't it?
After it happened I wondered if perhaps the day would deliver some more unexpected delights - like the earthquake set the tone for the day, and it would be enchantment from that moment on. Funnily enough, no. It seems my 'Nonna sense' is on the blink. Dammit.
Enough from me,
SB xx
Monday, April 19, 2010
Ain't that a kick in the head...
Not too much to report - just some odds and ends.
I had a quiet weekend to myself - it was nice. I was able to write down that very long list of things/people/times that I need to release - not sure if they have all entirely departed this world that is my head - but, it's a start.
I dreamt about Benchpress me NOW Boy. In my dream, I found him in some dark, weird vibe place, where we were running from something/someone. He drove this awesome hot vintage car - unlike the donkey kong express he currently cruises around in, in waking life. In my dream he was a bit dodgy though - in trouble I mean. I suspect this is from my subconscious, and conscious musings about what he really does as a daytime job? I wonder to myself often what a young, fit guy is doing with himself, and why does he seem to have enough time every day of the week to go to the gym in the middle of the day for a couple of hours? Is he a drug dealer? Is he training for the army/FBI/police? Does he hold a night job - perpetually? Is he a bouncer/club owner? Is he a baker - this would account for the midday availability - as of course all bakers do their work early in the mornings (but would not account for non-fat physique he sports)?! Is he rudely rich and requires no day job (back to the car - I suspect not)? The drug dealer seems more plausible. Oh dear, I've fallen for the bad guy (in my head) :(
I've been checking out a local photographers online work, and I must admit, it stirs feelings of major inadequacy. I like some of the things she does - I don't really like the poesy, fake, over cooked look of some of them, but I must admit to jealousy, that she is simply capable of such work. I wish I wasn't afraid - I've always been afraid - my whole life. I'm scared I'll be crap at something, so I don't really try at it - just in case. Silly isn't it. I want to be a master - a master at capturing real moments.
And finally, today's musical note goes to Mumford and Sons "Winter Winds" - describes a bit of the fight waging inside me most of the time lately.
And my head told my heart,
Let love grow
But my heart told my head
This time no
This time no
Simple but true.
Signing off for now - strange and birdlike as always
SB xx
I had a quiet weekend to myself - it was nice. I was able to write down that very long list of things/people/times that I need to release - not sure if they have all entirely departed this world that is my head - but, it's a start.
I dreamt about Benchpress me NOW Boy. In my dream, I found him in some dark, weird vibe place, where we were running from something/someone. He drove this awesome hot vintage car - unlike the donkey kong express he currently cruises around in, in waking life. In my dream he was a bit dodgy though - in trouble I mean. I suspect this is from my subconscious, and conscious musings about what he really does as a daytime job? I wonder to myself often what a young, fit guy is doing with himself, and why does he seem to have enough time every day of the week to go to the gym in the middle of the day for a couple of hours? Is he a drug dealer? Is he training for the army/FBI/police? Does he hold a night job - perpetually? Is he a bouncer/club owner? Is he a baker - this would account for the midday availability - as of course all bakers do their work early in the mornings (but would not account for non-fat physique he sports)?! Is he rudely rich and requires no day job (back to the car - I suspect not)? The drug dealer seems more plausible. Oh dear, I've fallen for the bad guy (in my head) :(
I've been checking out a local photographers online work, and I must admit, it stirs feelings of major inadequacy. I like some of the things she does - I don't really like the poesy, fake, over cooked look of some of them, but I must admit to jealousy, that she is simply capable of such work. I wish I wasn't afraid - I've always been afraid - my whole life. I'm scared I'll be crap at something, so I don't really try at it - just in case. Silly isn't it. I want to be a master - a master at capturing real moments.
And finally, today's musical note goes to Mumford and Sons "Winter Winds" - describes a bit of the fight waging inside me most of the time lately.
And my head told my heart,
Let love grow
But my heart told my head
This time no
This time no
Simple but true.
Signing off for now - strange and birdlike as always
SB xx
Friday, April 16, 2010
Old lessons die hard
Firstly, I must get this off my chest.. you blue eyed boys out there can go fuck yourselves. Blue eyed boys don't "need a brown eyed girl", you need a friggen clue!! That is all. That is ALL I'm going to say.
Today I had some life lessons long forgotten. I was right back at high school today, and experienced the whole array of social politics normally reserved for 17 year olds. I'm only 10 years late it seems. Today there was a group lunch at work - attended by a rainbow of individuals - from the plebs and coat tail riders, to the ladder climbers and princesses. It would seem that I found myself sitting on the 'cool kids' table. It's that same feeling you used to get, when going on a school trip, you scrambled to the back of the bus, only to be amongst an assembly of the 'coolest' and cruelest kids in your class, none of whom were your friends. A feeling I imagine much like how a live crayfish in one of those seafood restaurant feels - sitting there in the tank just waiting to be picked and boiled alive - nowhere to run or hide.
So, I'm at the cool kids table - it just happened that way ok. So, I'm sitting near the 'lads' who are talking shit, pumping each other up you know, I laugh absently at a joke here and there. Then arrive the passive aggression queens of the world - they sit next to and across from me - fuck, can this get any worse? Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of them, I'm just not a fan, and they've never been of me - that's fine. But then, I spot my friend in the crowd, there's no space left for her to sit, ok deep breaths. Then, all the cool kids start talking their cool kid crap, some of it funny, most of it crude or cruel or both, and some of it, I am ashamed to admit, I was seduced by and I hated myself for it the moment it happened. THEN, they started to make comments about my friend - and it's one of those awful situations where you are the piece of meat that is surrounded by the pack of wild dogs, and you know, you make a move - it's not going to be pretty. I didn't say anything - mostly I ignored the remarks, but I hated myself for it - I thought I might have grown the balls by now to stand up to shit like that - but apparently not so. I'm ashamed even still, because right then, at that moment I was back at high school - I was just wanting to shrink into the background, climb under the table without being seen and run away like a well trained ninja. At that moment, I didn't want to be my friends friend - this friend that had been so good to me. I know she's different, I know she's got enemies, I know she's not the 'normal' everyone is used to - but she's been good to me. I just feel like shit.
So, yesterday the universe was kind to me, and today, she was being cruel. Later on this afternoon, my dear co-lovers-workers left me to go home - only they didn't go home they just had somewhere cooler to be - without me. At first realisation it hurt, it stung a little, it was disappointing and I wanted to cry, but I didn't. It was the wake up I probably needed. The co-workers where also 'the couple' I struggle with - but it made me realise, maybe he is just one of the cool kids, he's just another dick that I tried to avoid at school, and maybe he showed his true colours today. I think you can tell a lot about a person, by the way they conduct themselves around their friends, and how they treat those 'below' them - and I have to say, I didn't like what I saw today. It's a shame his eyes still haven't completely lost their spellbinding abilities, but to me, he's lost some of his shine. What was I thinking, thinking we would ever be together? What a twit I truly am.
So, the realisations to come of today - that we never really leave high school, there are always the same amount of assholes out there, they just aren't wearing uniforms anymore and are a little harder to spot. And that life never ceases to be a competition - never.
And with that, I am done. I'm a little crushed from today's experiences, but I have the weekend to myself and I am going to use it to power up, smarten up and harden up.
All about the strange love,
SB xx
Today I had some life lessons long forgotten. I was right back at high school today, and experienced the whole array of social politics normally reserved for 17 year olds. I'm only 10 years late it seems. Today there was a group lunch at work - attended by a rainbow of individuals - from the plebs and coat tail riders, to the ladder climbers and princesses. It would seem that I found myself sitting on the 'cool kids' table. It's that same feeling you used to get, when going on a school trip, you scrambled to the back of the bus, only to be amongst an assembly of the 'coolest' and cruelest kids in your class, none of whom were your friends. A feeling I imagine much like how a live crayfish in one of those seafood restaurant feels - sitting there in the tank just waiting to be picked and boiled alive - nowhere to run or hide.
So, I'm at the cool kids table - it just happened that way ok. So, I'm sitting near the 'lads' who are talking shit, pumping each other up you know, I laugh absently at a joke here and there. Then arrive the passive aggression queens of the world - they sit next to and across from me - fuck, can this get any worse? Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of them, I'm just not a fan, and they've never been of me - that's fine. But then, I spot my friend in the crowd, there's no space left for her to sit, ok deep breaths. Then, all the cool kids start talking their cool kid crap, some of it funny, most of it crude or cruel or both, and some of it, I am ashamed to admit, I was seduced by and I hated myself for it the moment it happened. THEN, they started to make comments about my friend - and it's one of those awful situations where you are the piece of meat that is surrounded by the pack of wild dogs, and you know, you make a move - it's not going to be pretty. I didn't say anything - mostly I ignored the remarks, but I hated myself for it - I thought I might have grown the balls by now to stand up to shit like that - but apparently not so. I'm ashamed even still, because right then, at that moment I was back at high school - I was just wanting to shrink into the background, climb under the table without being seen and run away like a well trained ninja. At that moment, I didn't want to be my friends friend - this friend that had been so good to me. I know she's different, I know she's got enemies, I know she's not the 'normal' everyone is used to - but she's been good to me. I just feel like shit.
So, yesterday the universe was kind to me, and today, she was being cruel. Later on this afternoon, my dear co-lovers-workers left me to go home - only they didn't go home they just had somewhere cooler to be - without me. At first realisation it hurt, it stung a little, it was disappointing and I wanted to cry, but I didn't. It was the wake up I probably needed. The co-workers where also 'the couple' I struggle with - but it made me realise, maybe he is just one of the cool kids, he's just another dick that I tried to avoid at school, and maybe he showed his true colours today. I think you can tell a lot about a person, by the way they conduct themselves around their friends, and how they treat those 'below' them - and I have to say, I didn't like what I saw today. It's a shame his eyes still haven't completely lost their spellbinding abilities, but to me, he's lost some of his shine. What was I thinking, thinking we would ever be together? What a twit I truly am.
So, the realisations to come of today - that we never really leave high school, there are always the same amount of assholes out there, they just aren't wearing uniforms anymore and are a little harder to spot. And that life never ceases to be a competition - never.
And with that, I am done. I'm a little crushed from today's experiences, but I have the weekend to myself and I am going to use it to power up, smarten up and harden up.
All about the strange love,
SB xx
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Cue the violins
So, I made it to 27. I've also managed to avoid all extended periods of helpless sobbing and came out the other end, relatively non-embarrassed. All in all, a good day.
As I suspected, last night ended in tears. This morning I prayed for the strength to get through today, to whichever entity wanted to listen. It's not dreadful being 27 - it was more bad timing with the rest of the things going on in my life. Luckily though, the universe was kind to me today, and delivered a good day. Good, if not emotionally confusing at times, but good.
Back to normality tomorrow - but that's ok. It's Friday tomorrow, which means I have the weekend to power up and get my head right - or at least righter than it is now.
Sorry this post is not making much sense. I'm worn out.
If even half the well wishes I received today come to fruition, I should be ok.
SB xx
As I suspected, last night ended in tears. This morning I prayed for the strength to get through today, to whichever entity wanted to listen. It's not dreadful being 27 - it was more bad timing with the rest of the things going on in my life. Luckily though, the universe was kind to me today, and delivered a good day. Good, if not emotionally confusing at times, but good.
Back to normality tomorrow - but that's ok. It's Friday tomorrow, which means I have the weekend to power up and get my head right - or at least righter than it is now.
Sorry this post is not making much sense. I'm worn out.
If even half the well wishes I received today come to fruition, I should be ok.
SB xx
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
love never runs on time?
I've been scrolling through my music, trying to find something sad enough to match the way I feel right now. It's like I have all these tears welling up, building like a dam that is about to break in my head and I can't. I can't because I am afraid that once I start, I won't be able to stop. I hate feeling this way, and I especially don't want my family to see me this way. It's my birthday tomorrow, my family are making a big deal about it and instead of drawing attention to myself, I just want to run away and hide. No, I'm not being precious about my birthday - I'm just not in the frame of mind to be under every ones microscope.
There's probably a few contributors to these feelings.
There is an old, old, distant family friend who, after seeing me a few times and conversing briefly with me, has decided it would be a good idea to match me up with his grandson (it hurts me just having to type this). Despite the obvious ewww factor, I just don't respond well to be sorted out, matched up - I just don't. This old man may very well have the loveliest of intentions, but the thought that a 90 year needs to sort out my love life and set me up makes me feel sick, sad and ashamed all with the one blow. He saw my mother recently and asked for my photo - so that he could give it to his grandson. He's also now paid a visit to my father, trying to get my phone number and to drop off a picture of the grandson. My dad brought the picture home tonight and left it in an envelope on my desk. I didn't know whether I wanted to look at it. I wondered if I should look at it before or after I went out tonight, leave it until tomorrow or the day after - or throw it in the bin without looking. I took a deep breath and looked at it before I went out, I looked at it again about 10 minutes ago - there's not really much to say about it. He looks perfectly pleasant - but why do I have this photo? I don't want to ridicule this guy, I don't want to feel ridiculed myself - why is this happening? Is love so rare and difficult to find for some of us, that we must rely on our grandparents to set us up? Give out parts of our hope and soul along with our pictures, to people we don't know? Open ourselves to the possibility of being made fun of? I'm not laughing. Why do I respond so badly to these situations - I'm not sure. Mostly, I'm just ashamed that people feel the need to do this, ashamed that my life has gotten this desperate and generally embarrassed. I also hate people knowing my business. And mostly, I hate that I don't appear to be able to attract a male on my own, unlike what, 85% of the worlds female population. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
So, I had to go out tonight briefly. People from work were there. He was there. When he sees me dressed up, he has this look I can't describe. Is he shocked, does he want to get close to me, does he think to himself he picked the wrong girl, or is he just indifferent, and that's how it looks on his face? If I had to guess, perhaps it's a combination of all, he has this look of acknowledgment/embarrassment/sickness all in the one go. Yes, I am biased, and could be making it up. Whatever - at the end of it, he's with someone else, he chose someone else, end of story. If only it were that easy to switch it off. I really, really, really hate many parts of my life right now.
Why can't I get what I want?
It's my birthday tomorrow - I can only hope that ending this day in tears might wash everything away and I will wake up in a new, better looking world. God, please.
SB
There's probably a few contributors to these feelings.
There is an old, old, distant family friend who, after seeing me a few times and conversing briefly with me, has decided it would be a good idea to match me up with his grandson (it hurts me just having to type this). Despite the obvious ewww factor, I just don't respond well to be sorted out, matched up - I just don't. This old man may very well have the loveliest of intentions, but the thought that a 90 year needs to sort out my love life and set me up makes me feel sick, sad and ashamed all with the one blow. He saw my mother recently and asked for my photo - so that he could give it to his grandson. He's also now paid a visit to my father, trying to get my phone number and to drop off a picture of the grandson. My dad brought the picture home tonight and left it in an envelope on my desk. I didn't know whether I wanted to look at it. I wondered if I should look at it before or after I went out tonight, leave it until tomorrow or the day after - or throw it in the bin without looking. I took a deep breath and looked at it before I went out, I looked at it again about 10 minutes ago - there's not really much to say about it. He looks perfectly pleasant - but why do I have this photo? I don't want to ridicule this guy, I don't want to feel ridiculed myself - why is this happening? Is love so rare and difficult to find for some of us, that we must rely on our grandparents to set us up? Give out parts of our hope and soul along with our pictures, to people we don't know? Open ourselves to the possibility of being made fun of? I'm not laughing. Why do I respond so badly to these situations - I'm not sure. Mostly, I'm just ashamed that people feel the need to do this, ashamed that my life has gotten this desperate and generally embarrassed. I also hate people knowing my business. And mostly, I hate that I don't appear to be able to attract a male on my own, unlike what, 85% of the worlds female population. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
So, I had to go out tonight briefly. People from work were there. He was there. When he sees me dressed up, he has this look I can't describe. Is he shocked, does he want to get close to me, does he think to himself he picked the wrong girl, or is he just indifferent, and that's how it looks on his face? If I had to guess, perhaps it's a combination of all, he has this look of acknowledgment/embarrassment/sickness all in the one go. Yes, I am biased, and could be making it up. Whatever - at the end of it, he's with someone else, he chose someone else, end of story. If only it were that easy to switch it off. I really, really, really hate many parts of my life right now.
Why can't I get what I want?
It's my birthday tomorrow - I can only hope that ending this day in tears might wash everything away and I will wake up in a new, better looking world. God, please.
SB
Monday, April 12, 2010
Bono-ism #1
Bono was right when he sang "Some days are better than others". I wasn't very truthful when I said I had nothing to write about earlier - the truth is, that the usual thoughts have been spinning their webs through my mind - some stronger than others. So what are these thoughts?
Well, there's the normal weight stuff, the thoughts about how I really should make this week, the week that changes everything - where I will eat sensibly and start to lose weight like I should. The week that I will stop eating my emotions - yeah right. Truth is, I am comfortable in my fat suit - I don't know how to deal with the attention, the idea that I might be attractive, and the other changes that come with being a 'former fatty' that thin people have no idea about.
Then there's the generally benign thoughts that say perhaps this week will be the magical week that my life is going to spin 180 degrees and be amazing - when that amazing man/opportunity/best friend is going to walk into my life and shake it up in a fantastic way.
Of course, it goes without saying that all of this is usually accompanied with the struggle of coping with (ex-)work crush boy. I wish I could be all, I don't know, Aretha Franklin-like (R.E.S.P.E.C.T era), and tell you all that I have succeeded in ejecting him from my consciousness - but that'd be lying. Yes, I am making progress, I feel less like crying now, and more 'tolerable' to the truth of reality. But this doesn't mean all the feelings have magically disappeared, I still feel angry and jealous and bitterly disappointed at times. To tell you that I don't show up to work on Monday mornings, secretly hoping for a relationship breakup - would be lying. I would also be lying to say that I wouldn't give him my all in two heartbeats, if he suddenly proclaimed his love of me, to me.
And generally I am angry, I am frustrated with some of the decisions I have made in my past that have led me to this point. There are so many people, situations that I must forgive and release in order to move on - I realise this and I want to make amends. I am hoping to compile a list within the next week, and work towards releasing them all. I understand that holding onto these emotions like regret is poisonous, and I meant it when I said it previously, that I want to move on.
I only made one resolution this year - but don't be fooled, it's a big one. My one resolution was simply to 'make things happen'. I have taken some giant steps in some areas of my life and have made things happen, which I am proud of - but the big stuff, the personal stuff - it's harder for me. That's the foundation that was laid down long, long ago and it's going to be hard to shift. Still, like some wise graffiti artist once carved into my high school desk "reach for the moon and if you fall you'll land among the stars". Never did more inspirational words deface a school desk than those.
I must be off for now. It is getting late, and I have been avoiding some reading for a work meeting tomorrow. Alas, it must be done.
With faith and determination, I sign off -
SB xx
keeping it strange
Well, there's the normal weight stuff, the thoughts about how I really should make this week, the week that changes everything - where I will eat sensibly and start to lose weight like I should. The week that I will stop eating my emotions - yeah right. Truth is, I am comfortable in my fat suit - I don't know how to deal with the attention, the idea that I might be attractive, and the other changes that come with being a 'former fatty' that thin people have no idea about.
Then there's the generally benign thoughts that say perhaps this week will be the magical week that my life is going to spin 180 degrees and be amazing - when that amazing man/opportunity/best friend is going to walk into my life and shake it up in a fantastic way.
Of course, it goes without saying that all of this is usually accompanied with the struggle of coping with (ex-)work crush boy. I wish I could be all, I don't know, Aretha Franklin-like (R.E.S.P.E.C.T era), and tell you all that I have succeeded in ejecting him from my consciousness - but that'd be lying. Yes, I am making progress, I feel less like crying now, and more 'tolerable' to the truth of reality. But this doesn't mean all the feelings have magically disappeared, I still feel angry and jealous and bitterly disappointed at times. To tell you that I don't show up to work on Monday mornings, secretly hoping for a relationship breakup - would be lying. I would also be lying to say that I wouldn't give him my all in two heartbeats, if he suddenly proclaimed his love of me, to me.
And generally I am angry, I am frustrated with some of the decisions I have made in my past that have led me to this point. There are so many people, situations that I must forgive and release in order to move on - I realise this and I want to make amends. I am hoping to compile a list within the next week, and work towards releasing them all. I understand that holding onto these emotions like regret is poisonous, and I meant it when I said it previously, that I want to move on.
I only made one resolution this year - but don't be fooled, it's a big one. My one resolution was simply to 'make things happen'. I have taken some giant steps in some areas of my life and have made things happen, which I am proud of - but the big stuff, the personal stuff - it's harder for me. That's the foundation that was laid down long, long ago and it's going to be hard to shift. Still, like some wise graffiti artist once carved into my high school desk "reach for the moon and if you fall you'll land among the stars". Never did more inspirational words deface a school desk than those.
I must be off for now. It is getting late, and I have been avoiding some reading for a work meeting tomorrow. Alas, it must be done.
With faith and determination, I sign off -
SB xx
keeping it strange
My kind of prayer
I'm not really in a talkative mood again, nothing outrageous to report. Instead for this post, another song.
I own up to not knowing who sung this song for a long time - but, when I really listened to the lyrics, I realised this song by The Smiths, called 'Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want' was like my anthem - and it sounds a lot like a prayer I might say to 'The Big Guy' (a.k.a. God) when I'm having a rough time. I may very well, try it out sometime soon.
Good times for a change.
See the luck I've had, can make a good man turn bad.
So please, please let me, let me, let me, get what I want, this time.
I haven't had a dream in a long time.
See the life I've had, can make a good man turn bad.
So, for once in my life, let me get what I want, Lord knows it would be the first time,
Lord knows it would be the first time.
Peace out,
SB xx
I own up to not knowing who sung this song for a long time - but, when I really listened to the lyrics, I realised this song by The Smiths, called 'Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want' was like my anthem - and it sounds a lot like a prayer I might say to 'The Big Guy' (a.k.a. God) when I'm having a rough time. I may very well, try it out sometime soon.
Good times for a change.
See the luck I've had, can make a good man turn bad.
So please, please let me, let me, let me, get what I want, this time.
I haven't had a dream in a long time.
See the life I've had, can make a good man turn bad.
So, for once in my life, let me get what I want, Lord knows it would be the first time,
Lord knows it would be the first time.
Peace out,
SB xx
Sunday, April 11, 2010
A hint of chilli
Not much to speak of again. This weekend has passed by fairly quietly, which has been a welcomed break from the general fast pace my life generally seems to take on.
Tonight, eating dinner with the family, my Dad once again, went and grabbed a freshly picked chilli - cut it up and added it to his pasta. There isn't much that my father won't add chilli to, and as I keep telling him, it is starting to resemble an obsession. We joke about it now, but I don't think he's far away from sprinkling chilli over his morning cereal! Seriously!
This coming week is going to be interesting I think. Work is going to be a bit tense, but hopefully I'll be able to keep my little head out of it. What else the week will hold I don't know - my birthday yes, and perhaps another encounter with Benchpress me NOW Boy among some of the experiences on the menu.
I am going to leave now, and make the most of this small energy spike I am experiencing at the moment. Off to the books.
Happy New Week.
SB xx
Tonight, eating dinner with the family, my Dad once again, went and grabbed a freshly picked chilli - cut it up and added it to his pasta. There isn't much that my father won't add chilli to, and as I keep telling him, it is starting to resemble an obsession. We joke about it now, but I don't think he's far away from sprinkling chilli over his morning cereal! Seriously!
This coming week is going to be interesting I think. Work is going to be a bit tense, but hopefully I'll be able to keep my little head out of it. What else the week will hold I don't know - my birthday yes, and perhaps another encounter with Benchpress me NOW Boy among some of the experiences on the menu.
I am going to leave now, and make the most of this small energy spike I am experiencing at the moment. Off to the books.
Happy New Week.
SB xx
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Wisdom from Florence
Nothing much to report from camp strangebird - instead I shall leave you with some more genius from Florence Welch. This song has been repeating in my mind for days - and again, seems to describe how I am feeling at the moment.
From 'Fallen':
I've fallen out of favour and I've fallen from grace
Fallen out of trees and I've fallen on my face
Fallen out of taxis, out of windows too
Fell in your opinion when I fell in love with you
Sometimes I wish for falling, wish for the release
Wish for falling through the air to give me some relief
Because falling's not the problem, when I'm falling I'm at peace
It's only when I hit the ground it causes all the grief
SB xx
From 'Fallen':
I've fallen out of favour and I've fallen from grace
Fallen out of trees and I've fallen on my face
Fallen out of taxis, out of windows too
Fell in your opinion when I fell in love with you
Sometimes I wish for falling, wish for the release
Wish for falling through the air to give me some relief
Because falling's not the problem, when I'm falling I'm at peace
It's only when I hit the ground it causes all the grief
SB xx
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Hey! Baby.
I got to hold a newborn baby today - quite timely given my previous blog. When you get the chance to look up close at the little miracles of fingers, toes and squishy nose (yes I am aware that rhymes, and no I'm not going to change it) - it makes you remember that we are amazing creatures. Holding something that yesterday was inside someones belly - is somehow a little grounding for me.
And another thought that occurred to me is that we don't really have an easy time when we are being born into this world - stuffed down a narrow 'tunnel' and popped out like a bloody, slippery splinter from our mothers body, it's all very traumatic - and that's if the birth is going well! Lets not talk about the numerous likely things that can actually go very, very wrong.
So, with life starting out like such a fight, why do I think life should be easy? How can I honestly expect things to be smooth sailing, when from the get go it's all a big fucking bloody mess?! Just a thought.
And with that I am done. Staying strange.
SB xx
And another thought that occurred to me is that we don't really have an easy time when we are being born into this world - stuffed down a narrow 'tunnel' and popped out like a bloody, slippery splinter from our mothers body, it's all very traumatic - and that's if the birth is going well! Lets not talk about the numerous likely things that can actually go very, very wrong.
So, with life starting out like such a fight, why do I think life should be easy? How can I honestly expect things to be smooth sailing, when from the get go it's all a big fucking bloody mess?! Just a thought.
And with that I am done. Staying strange.
SB xx
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Drowning
I'm in such a mood, that I know what's going to come out here is not going to be pleasant, and not something I want to put my name to. I am ashamed that with all the real problems in existence, those both close to me and worlds away - that this pissy, shitty mood is going to dominate. I think perhaps I am double PMSing, and it's crap - and I haven't experienced anything like this since I was a teenager, and that tells me that I am going to be in trouble.
I have been through a spectrum of emotions today - you name it, I shook it's hand. Right now, the highlighting thought stream is just to cry and cry, cry my eyes out until I fall asleep from exhaustion and wake to a new - hopefully better day tomorrow. Why do I want to cry? Oh the usual, I think my life sucks, I think I'm alone, I think I am sad, I think I am hopeless - and more importantly right now, I think all of these aforementioned thoughts are true. Hence = my despair.
I've been angry at the few friends in my life. One of which did the old, 'screw you out of going to Italy' thing nearly 2 years ago, and now she is gallivanting around the globe and emails me from time to time about how much she loves it. The other friend, who has always been a soul sucker, because her problems are always so much more important and intense and unsolvable - has been off the grid and I haven't had the inclination to go chasing her, until tonight. Until yet another fucking shitty devil facebook status basically screamed out to me "ask her what's wrong strangebird - you must, you MUST". And that's another thing that shits me to tears - facebook status' people - don't use them to reveal information you don't want people to know or ask about - because they will. And don't, under any circumstances, use it to guilt people - that's just fucked up. ANYWAY... long story short, we spoke tonight, her life is going awesomely and while I'm happy for her, there's a piece of me that's majorly annoyed. Whatever, lets put it down to PMS and move on.
I'll be 27 in one weeks time and I'm scared. I don't want to be another year further away from the life I imagined I would have.
And tomorrow, is back to work. I'm not sure how to face (ex-)work crush boy, and I don't want it to be so hard anymore. I don't want life to be so hard anymore.
And Benchpress me NOW Boy feels a little less illusive that before, and that scares me. I think that once again, I fell in love/lust with a person I imagined in my mind, who actually doesn't exist. On a lighter note - he does have eyebrows (that's a small relief!)
And if all I could do right now, would be to cash in my cosmic cheque I would be saying "Dear God, I just want to be in a happy relationship, I just want to make babies and help them grow into good people, and cook cupcakes all day long".
And with that, I am done.
SB
I have been through a spectrum of emotions today - you name it, I shook it's hand. Right now, the highlighting thought stream is just to cry and cry, cry my eyes out until I fall asleep from exhaustion and wake to a new - hopefully better day tomorrow. Why do I want to cry? Oh the usual, I think my life sucks, I think I'm alone, I think I am sad, I think I am hopeless - and more importantly right now, I think all of these aforementioned thoughts are true. Hence = my despair.
I've been angry at the few friends in my life. One of which did the old, 'screw you out of going to Italy' thing nearly 2 years ago, and now she is gallivanting around the globe and emails me from time to time about how much she loves it. The other friend, who has always been a soul sucker, because her problems are always so much more important and intense and unsolvable - has been off the grid and I haven't had the inclination to go chasing her, until tonight. Until yet another fucking shitty devil facebook status basically screamed out to me "ask her what's wrong strangebird - you must, you MUST". And that's another thing that shits me to tears - facebook status' people - don't use them to reveal information you don't want people to know or ask about - because they will. And don't, under any circumstances, use it to guilt people - that's just fucked up. ANYWAY... long story short, we spoke tonight, her life is going awesomely and while I'm happy for her, there's a piece of me that's majorly annoyed. Whatever, lets put it down to PMS and move on.
I'll be 27 in one weeks time and I'm scared. I don't want to be another year further away from the life I imagined I would have.
And tomorrow, is back to work. I'm not sure how to face (ex-)work crush boy, and I don't want it to be so hard anymore. I don't want life to be so hard anymore.
And Benchpress me NOW Boy feels a little less illusive that before, and that scares me. I think that once again, I fell in love/lust with a person I imagined in my mind, who actually doesn't exist. On a lighter note - he does have eyebrows (that's a small relief!)
And if all I could do right now, would be to cash in my cosmic cheque I would be saying "Dear God, I just want to be in a happy relationship, I just want to make babies and help them grow into good people, and cook cupcakes all day long".
And with that, I am done.
SB
cry, and the world cries with you
Last night I entered the pub world of half price pizzas and karaoke with some people from work. I knew it would be hard for a few reasons - not the least of which the fact (ex)work crush boy would be there with his girl (that hurt). I'm trying, trying so hard - sometimes I wanted to look up, I resisted as much as I could and weakened only briefly. I'm certain I could feel him looking over at me - why won't he just man-up and sort his shit out, and stop giving me reasons to want to keep hanging onto that lifeless rope? Damn him. I will be strong - I am strong.
When I returned home, I had a pounding headache, which slowly lifted. And with beautiful cosmic timing, it started to rain - just softly, as if the world was weeping for me, in my absence of tears.
SB
When I returned home, I had a pounding headache, which slowly lifted. And with beautiful cosmic timing, it started to rain - just softly, as if the world was weeping for me, in my absence of tears.
SB
Monday, April 5, 2010
Discoveries
I watched "The Notebook" for the first time tonight. I thought that I might regret my decision to watch it - I wasn't sure I was in the mood for the particular type of reality that romantic movies portray, or for the harsh reminder they usually deliver; that I am indeed ALL ALONE, but I actually didn't mind the movie. The worst bit was the whole dementia thing - the ultimate reminder that life is not fair.
Some things I have realised about myself recently:
1) I do not share the worlds love of Carole Kings 'Tapestry'... possibly not any form of love for any portion of Carole King at all.
2) Easter egg chocolate isn't as awesome as I used to think it was.
3) I like my men, a little chunky - fit chunky. When he's holding me, I want to feel safe and secure - and preferably that feeling should extend to his well-defined biceps, triceps and deltoids!
4) I have a new found appreciation, nay - love, for Ryan Gosling.
5) I could never commit to one coloured crayon to define 'me' - I simply change my mind far too often and I like way too many colours.
Speaking of well defined males, Benchpress me NOW Boy has been dearly missed. Being the public holiday today, I headed to the gym (along with every other non-working, Easter-guilt ridden adult in this town!) and saw him very briefly, way beyond in the mirrors. I'm still no closer to finding out if he possesses eyebrows, or exchanging words with him - perhaps both of these things will occur instantaneously, someday soon. I wonder though, is it the thrill of the innocent chase that attracts me? And if we somehow moved beyond this - would he just frighten me, or not be anything like I imagined? We shall see in time I suppose.
My 'Nonna vibes' have shifted into a new gear recently. I have this impending feeling, like I am on the cusp of something maybe wonderful. God, I really, really hope so. In all seriousness, I could use it - whatever it may be.
The end of the Easter break spells work for me - back to the grind tomorrow and honestly, not something I am looking forward to. The work crush stuff is still raw and hard to deal with.
That is all,
SB xx
Some things I have realised about myself recently:
1) I do not share the worlds love of Carole Kings 'Tapestry'... possibly not any form of love for any portion of Carole King at all.
2) Easter egg chocolate isn't as awesome as I used to think it was.
3) I like my men, a little chunky - fit chunky. When he's holding me, I want to feel safe and secure - and preferably that feeling should extend to his well-defined biceps, triceps and deltoids!
4) I have a new found appreciation, nay - love, for Ryan Gosling.
5) I could never commit to one coloured crayon to define 'me' - I simply change my mind far too often and I like way too many colours.
Speaking of well defined males, Benchpress me NOW Boy has been dearly missed. Being the public holiday today, I headed to the gym (along with every other non-working, Easter-guilt ridden adult in this town!) and saw him very briefly, way beyond in the mirrors. I'm still no closer to finding out if he possesses eyebrows, or exchanging words with him - perhaps both of these things will occur instantaneously, someday soon. I wonder though, is it the thrill of the innocent chase that attracts me? And if we somehow moved beyond this - would he just frighten me, or not be anything like I imagined? We shall see in time I suppose.
My 'Nonna vibes' have shifted into a new gear recently. I have this impending feeling, like I am on the cusp of something maybe wonderful. God, I really, really hope so. In all seriousness, I could use it - whatever it may be.
The end of the Easter break spells work for me - back to the grind tomorrow and honestly, not something I am looking forward to. The work crush stuff is still raw and hard to deal with.
That is all,
SB xx
Saturday, April 3, 2010
something is not right with me
I'm not feeling in the best mood today - so it's probably just as well no one reads this, because it'd be bloody boring. If you stumble upon this blog:
So what's the problem? I don't know exactly. The day started off ok, I did a few things that needed doing, went to the gym where I really pushed myself, came home, and it kind of fell apart from there. Perhaps it's because today is one of those days where I look in the mirror and I really don't like what I see. It's the kind of day that I don't seem to be able to put the usual mask on. Even playing my music on shuffle is giving me the shits - and I live for music, so what the hell kind of hope do I have?
It's days like these that I really need a sign on my forehead telling everyone to keep away. Kind of like the warning the cops give when there is some psycho on the loose: "Extreme caution is advised. Under no circumstances should you approach the suspect, she is believed to be armed and dangerous - maintain your distance." Yeah - that'd do it. It'd be better off for me and the people around me that way.
Oh, if I could start today again.
This long weekend is also doing my head in. I feel like I have cabin fever or something. I'm stuck in, I can't find anything to amuse me, family are everywhere, the expectations are suffocating. Boy, that's dramatic.
What else is eating at me? Just that little ol' thing that I'm not brilliant. I'm not the photographer I want to be, I'm not the daughter I should be, I'm not the person I want to be (especially today), I'm no ones lover, I'm no ones friend... I'm just a big nobody. FUCK.
I did warn you about the self pity.
Not even U2, or Lisa Mitchell can penetrate this hard little surface. Jesus... I know he probably has more important things on his mind right now - but I really just want to escape and wake up a different person.
No more. Christ, it's grim in here.
SB
WARNING: writer in extreme state of self pity
So what's the problem? I don't know exactly. The day started off ok, I did a few things that needed doing, went to the gym where I really pushed myself, came home, and it kind of fell apart from there. Perhaps it's because today is one of those days where I look in the mirror and I really don't like what I see. It's the kind of day that I don't seem to be able to put the usual mask on. Even playing my music on shuffle is giving me the shits - and I live for music, so what the hell kind of hope do I have?
It's days like these that I really need a sign on my forehead telling everyone to keep away. Kind of like the warning the cops give when there is some psycho on the loose: "Extreme caution is advised. Under no circumstances should you approach the suspect, she is believed to be armed and dangerous - maintain your distance." Yeah - that'd do it. It'd be better off for me and the people around me that way.
Oh, if I could start today again.
This long weekend is also doing my head in. I feel like I have cabin fever or something. I'm stuck in, I can't find anything to amuse me, family are everywhere, the expectations are suffocating. Boy, that's dramatic.
What else is eating at me? Just that little ol' thing that I'm not brilliant. I'm not the photographer I want to be, I'm not the daughter I should be, I'm not the person I want to be (especially today), I'm no ones lover, I'm no ones friend... I'm just a big nobody. FUCK.
I did warn you about the self pity.
Not even U2, or Lisa Mitchell can penetrate this hard little surface. Jesus... I know he probably has more important things on his mind right now - but I really just want to escape and wake up a different person.
No more. Christ, it's grim in here.
SB
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