Weighty Wings

Lets set the scene.... I'm sitting here at my computer, a knitted nanna shawl draped over my broad shoulders. The shawl is suppressing my already weighed down wings, and I am listening to AIR's 'Moon Safari'... why am I listening to an album called 'Moon Safari' and why the fuck did I buy it? This shit makes me want to slit my wrists. Excuse me, while I change it...

That's better. Almost-all is right in the world again.

I could fly if I wanted to. So why is it I refuse to let myself? I sabotage my own state, for what? For fear? The same things that make me want to break out, also keep me caged in. All this theatrics just to say I'm overweight; I'm fat, FATTY FAT FAT.... fatty boom-ba, all of it and more. I cringe as I write this.

I always wanted to be the strong person, able to say 'fuck you' to anyone who dared judge me on the way I looked. I wanted to be the kind of woman, proud of whatever shape I was - determined to accept myself, and demanding of others acceptance. But I'm not like that. It doesn't matter which way you word it. In a room full of glamorous, plus sized women, I would no doubt feel empowered and strong... but in the real world - where the room is full of women who are all shapes and sizes, and who are less and less like me - I couldn't be further from strong. I can't hold a conversation, I'm too busy trying to hold my guts in; embellishing on their glances of judgement on me.

I don't want to be an idol; I don't want to be unrealistic and I don't believe in 'perfect' - but I just don't want to be like this. I want to look more like 'normal', 'average'. The entirety of my existence has a big fucking 'X-Large' tag on it. I hate it. I hate me.

So what am I going to do? I have to stop it, clearly. I can't wear this fat suit anymore. It is like my armour - but it's has become too heavy to bear, and rather than protecting me, it's starting to lock me in.

Step by step, I have to make changes. I know that I have set off on many-a-path, with the same intentions, many times before - but this time it has to be different.

I hate admitting on here what I am. I feel ashamed. Worst of all, as soon as I say I'm fat, that's it - I'm done for - fat is a deal breaker in the minds eye. No one wants a fatty for a friend.. except maybe another fatty.

Tomorrow the change begins. I begin it for me. Rather than being a sign of conformity (which I detest), I must think of it as a sign that says, I refuse to be defined by the way I look!

Wish me luck universe, I'm going to need it.

SB xx