I just arrived home, after going out to dinner with a bunch of work people. I know that most of what I say would indicate that I don't really like the people I work with, and on most days this is at least half true - but beggars can't be choosers; and for social interaction, I am well and truly a beggar. I do not know how to make friends anymore. Somewhere during high school, I think I left my friend making ability behind in an old locker. It was easy when I was 7, not so much now I'm 27. It used to be as simple as "hey, I like you, would you like to sit together at lunchtime?"... sadly, this kind of behaviour doesn't really fly in the adult world, and usually gets you shunned, committed, or both.
Over the weekend, I decided I would have a bit of a clean out - I started with my 'jewellery drawer'. The aim was really just to compile and condense the growing number of boxes I had lying around, and also to remind myself of the items I actually possess. It took me a good 90 minutes to sort it all out, and it made me realise just how much shit I have. It also made me feel incredibly ashamed, because I thought that surely, anyone who has this much jewellery must be selfish and greedy. There is truth to that. I think like with the crazy amount of clothes I have been buying in the last 12 months, and the food I consume, jewellery is yet another excess in my life that I want, want, want. Like food, I get a sense of control from buying the things I want, and like the clothes I buy, having 'just' that particular piece of jewellery will make me complete, it will make me fit. That night, I prayed to whoever wanted to listen, and asked for forgiveness for being this way. I think tonight I might be doing the same thing.
SB xx
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