Tomfoolery

Why is the post called 'Tomfoolery'? Because it is the most interesting and unexpected word I encountered in my unit book on OH&S (for those of you not familiar with hellish things, this means Occupational *yawn* Health and Safety). It nearly killed me, but by-GOD I finished that damn unit book - now just have to conquer the assessments!

Anyway... it's been a few days since I checked in.

Todays song is from Robyn, called "Hang With Me"

Will you tell me once again
How we're gonna be just friends
If you're for real and not pretend
Then I guess you can hang with me

When my patience's wearing thin
When I'm ready to give in
Will you pick me up again?
Then I guess you can hang with me

...

Just don't fall
Recklessly, headlessly in love with me
Cause it's gonna be
All heartbreak
Blissfully painful and insanity
If we agree

Oh, you can hang with me

So, the go is that I'm kind of cracking up again. I've been bouncing from preoccupied momentary joy to lonely low, and now sit somewhere in-between. There is so much going on at work that isn't fun; there is all this anger and fury and misguided feelings in the air, and I get smacked in the head with them the moment I walk through the door. On top of this I hate myself - I hate what I look like, I hate the way my voice sounds, I hate the way I keep fighting - like it's going to change anything. I have been shrinking into dark corners, wishing my moments away - pushing this minute into the past, in the hope the next is going to be better. Every moment I am aware, that all I want is tomorrow, next week, next month - "MOVE IT fucker" says the voice in my head - I don't want to be here, I don't want to be me, I don't think I even want to be conscious. I crave change... I'm craving something I can't name, because I don't know what it is.

Believe it or not, I typed 'inspirational jobs' into google the other night - it's just like a naive 20-something to think she can call up life purpose on the Internet. Hey, I figured everything else is on there - why not? Come to think of it, I bet I could find something on YouTube too. Part of me thinks that if I can find a reason to be gone for awhile, to do something that is not completely self-indulgent and internal, that it might give me the jolt I need. I thought I'd look up volunteering, you know, like in a disadvantaged country, in an orphanage or something... the usual rite of passage for your average soul food-seeker, but wouldn't you know it - it's not so easy after all.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I really, really don't. There is something fundamentally wrong with me, with my life and I don't know where to start or how to fix it. The search continues.

SB xx