Drowning

I'm in such a mood, that I know what's going to come out here is not going to be pleasant, and not something I want to put my name to. I am ashamed that with all the real problems in existence, those both close to me and worlds away - that this pissy, shitty mood is going to dominate. I think perhaps I am double PMSing, and it's crap - and I haven't experienced anything like this since I was a teenager, and that tells me that I am going to be in trouble.

I have been through a spectrum of emotions today - you name it, I shook it's hand. Right now, the highlighting thought stream is just to cry and cry, cry my eyes out until I fall asleep from exhaustion and wake to a new - hopefully better day tomorrow. Why do I want to cry? Oh the usual, I think my life sucks, I think I'm alone, I think I am sad, I think I am hopeless - and more importantly right now, I think all of these aforementioned thoughts are true. Hence = my despair.

I've been angry at the few friends in my life. One of which did the old, 'screw you out of going to Italy' thing nearly 2 years ago, and now she is gallivanting around the globe and emails me from time to time about how much she loves it. The other friend, who has always been a soul sucker, because her problems are always so much more important and intense and unsolvable - has been off the grid and I haven't had the inclination to go chasing her, until tonight. Until yet another fucking shitty devil facebook status basically screamed out to me "ask her what's wrong strangebird - you must, you MUST". And that's another thing that shits me to tears - facebook status' people - don't use them to reveal information you don't want people to know or ask about - because they will. And don't, under any circumstances, use it to guilt people - that's just fucked up. ANYWAY... long story short, we spoke tonight, her life is going awesomely and while I'm happy for her, there's a piece of me that's majorly annoyed. Whatever, lets put it down to PMS and move on.

I'll be 27 in one weeks time and I'm scared. I don't want to be another year further away from the life I imagined I would have.

And tomorrow, is back to work. I'm not sure how to face (ex-)work crush boy, and I don't want it to be so hard anymore. I don't want life to be so hard anymore.

And Benchpress me NOW Boy feels a little less illusive that before, and that scares me. I think that once again, I fell in love/lust with a person I imagined in my mind, who actually doesn't exist. On a lighter note - he does have eyebrows (that's a small relief!)

And if all I could do right now, would be to cash in my cosmic cheque I would be saying "Dear God, I just want to be in a happy relationship, I just want to make babies and help them grow into good people, and cook cupcakes all day long".

And with that, I am done.

SB