Sorry - but it is not a particularly happy day - so I don't have anything sweet and light to contribute to the world today. I wish I was one of those people, happy with the world, with a spring in my step - I'm just not.
So, why am I so angry today? I'm not sure, I have to dig deep to listen to the thoughts running through my head. Why is it my mother always says to me things like, "you need to stop being angry with the world"... the thing is, I don't think I'm angry with the world - certainly not all the time, and certainly not enough of the time that someone could make that a general observation of me. What can I say, I'm moody and dark, and the bad things that happen in the world bring me down, animal cruelty, abuse, rape, injustice, evil, it all hits me where it hurts - I can't be at ease with the fact that the world isn't fair. I'm sorry, because God knows, life would probably be easier if I were the kind of person that could shake those things off - but I'm just not built that way. And deep down, there isn't a drug or antidepressant that would ever be able to change that.
Something that I saw on the news today, something that has stuck with me - one of the evil, evil bastards who killed that little boy James Bulger those years ago, has just been put back in jail for some other disgusting crime. I remember when that crime first happened - it brought tears to my eyes when I first read about it, and even now - I think about that poor, defenceless little boy whose life was taken so disgustingly. You see, I don't even have the words in my adult vocabulary to express how it makes me feel, nor how I feel about those bastard EVIL fucks that committed the act. When I see that little boys picture, I think about it happening to someone I know, I think about my little nephew - and I think, amongst other disturbing things, I think about how those evil boys do not deserve to live. They shouldn't have been allowed to live, grow up, get out of jail! I mean, who lets people like that out of jail? Man - you do something like that, as far as I'm concerned, you're done for, no second chances, no excuses. Animals like that, provide good argument for capital punishment. God, it makes my BLOOD BOIL. They'll put down a dog for less. It should be the same with people like that. Ok, soapbox is away now.
The most disturbing thing about all of it, about all the sickness in the world; is that you can't be protected from it, you can't wear a special charm, put up special fences, say a special spell to keep from harm - and that's friggen scary. All I can do, is try to be smart in my life, hope for a bit of luck and pray to God that he keeps me and my loved ones safe. That's scary - and I suppose that's one of the reasons I hate the world sometimes.
Why else am I angry? Truthfully, I don't think I'm at ease with who I am as a person. I don't really like that I'm not the person I imagined I was going to be when I was 17. I haven't achieved anything great, I haven't stunned the world with my brilliance or set it alight with my charm... I'm just little old strangebird, I blend into the crowd, I'm not remarkable by any means - I'm just the girl who dodged university, had an assorted string of unemployment and crappy jobs, who got terribly depressed and came back from it. I like to believe I can make a difference in the world still, and there are some days where I think I'm closer to that ideal than others - but I'm more like a flickering torch than a lighthouse and essentially I hate that. I keep thinking that in my next life I'll make sure I'm awesome... hmm but truly I should be able to do that now shouldn't I?? Does everyone in their life feel like this I wonder? Or do I just think too much.
So, I don't have an obese mother, a disabled brother or particularly messy life - but I think I know what might've been eating gilbert grape - perhaps his expectations didn't quite match his reality either.
Ah - life's a struggle, but what do you do about it - play by her rules or check out.
Until next time,
SB
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